So often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them.  This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better.  However, it often results in anger and disconnect.  Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned.  They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”

In my couples’ work, I see couples trying to “help” one another.  The helping comes in many forms.  It may be the attempt to constantly do for the other or be present for the other.  It may be seen in trying to take away one’s difficult or challenging feelings.  It may even happen in one’s own head in the form of restricting conversation because it may be too challenging for the other person.  One of the first rules I try to get everyone to agree to in the couples therapy process is the “No Helping” rule.  There is no more helping.  Period. 
When we “help” each other there are many inherent assumptions, such as:  I know better than you do, You can’t handle this without me, You are weak and need my support to get through this, I am more capable than you are, You are so stuck.  Additionally, this form of helping prohibits our partner from growing and learning through the opportunity to manage something challenging.  In reality, we take away their autonomy to problem solve.  We often learn best when we struggle with a difficult concept or problem.  Having the ability to do that often means that we need some time and space to work at it without interference.

As with any rule, there are exceptions.  With this rule there two:  If help is offered and accepted or if help is requested and agreed to be provided.  These exceptions must be very clearly stated.  Once help is initiated, it is not carte blanche to start “helping” all over the place.  Help is specific.  It is agreed upon.  It is not open-ended.  For example, “Can you help me by taking the groceries from the car into the kitchen?”  This request does not invite anyone to start meal planning, salting the stew or other forms of “helping”.

If you are working through how to connect in your relationship and set healthy boundaries, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or Elliott@insightbrookline.com

One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood.  Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life.  This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.The conversation usually starts quite simply by my asking “Where did you develop your definition of manhood?”  We talk about the lessons we get from our parents, role models, TV/movies, friends, social media, etc.  What we often realize is that the messages are confusing, counterintuitive and often shaming and hard to live up to.  It is no wonder so many men struggle with how to engage with their partners in an intimate way based in confidence.

A question that often gets the most diverse answers is when I ask men what they think swagger means.  Most mean think swagger is being cool, confident, sexy, having the ability to approach a potential partner and get them to go home with you, to be an amazing sex partner, to capture and hold the attention of everyone around you.  That isn’t actually swagger.
Swagger is something else entirely. Swagger isn’t about you.  Swagger is about everyone else.  When you are focused on what you do and what you bring, you are focused on ego.  Getting game and showing you have swagger is about shifting your focus away from you.  Swagger is when you make your partner feel like the most important person in the room.  Making your partner feel seen and heard and desired is swagger.  When you partner feels like the most beautiful person in the room because of how you react, that is swagger.

If you are looking to up your game and learn more about swagger, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com

Often, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling.  When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings:  Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious.  Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets.   Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it. 

Each bucket is made up of several smaller buckets.  There are lots of things that look like mad:  frustration, loneliness, sadness, confusion, fear, desperation and other feelings can all look like mad.  Let’s be sure that we are naming the right emotion. 

​Once I am able to slow them down, I ask them to examine the emotion.  What are they actually feeling?  If they tell me they are mad, I want to know more.  Where in your body do you experience mad? How do you experience mad in your body?  Once the person can start to connect the feeling with the physical self, the experience becomes more than a hot anger. 

As we get deeper into the story, the facts begin to shape the narrative.  We begin to learn about right and wrong, good and bad, should and shouldn’t.  Using curiosity to understand the thought process behind the emotion gives us valuable information that we can use to build stronger connections.

What does it mean to you to be mad?  Finding a context or a bigger picture, often broadens the story for the listener.  Then the emotion is not just a blast of affect but a message that is trying to communicate a more important message.

Learning to experience feelings and communicate them to our loved ones is a skill that can be nurtured and grown through introspection and self-awareness.  If you are looking to understand and manage your feelings in a more productive way, contact Elliott at (617) 834-4235 or by email atelliott@insightbrookline.com

There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late.  I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted.  Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.

While having one of these conversations, I asked a couple what the difference was between “Preferences” and “Boundaries”.  This sounds like a simple question, but it isn’t.  They struggled to come up with a clear and concise difference.  I suggested that a preference is a desire – something that we want or how we want something to be.   A boundary is a clearly delineated point that is negotiated and agreed upon that will not be crossed.

So, if use football as a point of reference (and it is okay if you are not a football fan…stay with me for a second…).  The field has a thick white line that goes around the field of play.  Both teams understand (because the rule has been clearly articulated and agreed upon) that no play happens when a player touches the white line.  When a player goes into that space the player is “out of bounds”.  Play stops.  There may or may not be a penalty, but the game is reset and continues on the field.  The team with the ball may prefer to keep running down the white line so they can score, but they can’t. 

So it is with our relationships.  We have to have clearly defined boundaries.  They may or may not be based on our preferences, but they are negotiated and agreed upon.  They are resolute until they are renegotiated. Our behaviors are then held accountable to those boundaries.  We let our preferences rule our behaviors until we come up against the boundary that we each agreed to.  When behaviors cross the boundary, a reset must happen in order for the relationship to continue "on the field".  In other words, the healthiest relationships have the clearest boundaries!

If you are looking to improve connection in your relationship or learn how to establish health boundaries, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

Recently I was in Boca de Tomatlan, Mexico for a workshop with other clinicians and practitioners of the 4 dimensional approach to sex and intimacy.  Every morning, before we would begin our work, we would clear our space.  Clearing space involved using sound (a drum, a rattle, etc), scent (copal, sage, incense, etc0, or other approach to sanctify the area we would be learning and growing in to allow us to be present, to remove negative energy and to set a space that invited intention.  As each of us would enter the workshop space, we would have ourselves cleared.  The day’s facilitator would use one of these methods by shaking a rattle, or feathers or scent around us.  Once cleared, we would be able to enter the space and begin our work for the day.  Once in the space, we each light a candle to represent our presence in the space. 
 
For those newly introduced to the process of clearing, it can seem very “airy fairy”.  However, there is a shift – and sometimes not so subtle shift – that happens.  A calmness becomes present.  An intention rises. A connection to others is strengthened.  A release of whatever pulls us broadens. 
 
So, as you sit and read this, I urge you to consider what pulls you from being focused?  Where do you wish you had the ability to create stronger connections to your space and the people in it? Where do you feel a lack of calmness? Is your intention being overshadowed by other energy?  In other words, what would it be like for you to be able to enter your day with clarity and calm? 
  
While you may not want or understand a more ritualistic clearing process, you can begin to create a clearer space for yourself.  Take a moment and stretch out your arms.  With an intention of creating calm positive energy, walk around your space and sweep your arms to sweep away all the negative energy in your space.  With each sweep of your arms, you sweep out negativity and allow positivity to enter.  Do you notice a difference in your body, your mind, your heart, your spirit?  Take time through your day to periodically, clear your space…what replaces negativity will surprise you!
 
If you are looking to learn more about creating positive energy, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com.

I play many roles in my life.  Partner, father, therapist, teacher, business owner to name a few.  These roles keep me very busy and I often feel the crushing weight of responsibility on me.  Normally I manage it well and focus on meaningful self-care and attachment to positive people (just as I tell my patients to do!).  I am intentional and mindful of what I need to do to ensure that I am meeting the many requirements that are put on me. 
However, I have become acutely aware of late that I am feeling the pain of growing in all these sectors of my life.  As a father, my children are growing and becoming more independent.  They don’t need me in the same way and I have to learn to take a more hands off approach as they learn to take on more responsibility for their being.  I don’t want to do that.  It is painful. As a partner, I am aware that my relationship becomes more complicated as we take on greater responsibility for the future, retirement, aging parents, children that are preparing to launch.  We must learn to be different partners as our life changes.  This growth is often painful.  As a therapist and business owner, it is my responsibility to ensure that I am balancing the therapeutic and business aspects of my job.  Growing the practice to support the therapists and staff that work here, while maintaining a meaningful culture and desirable work place that translates into a desirable place for patients to come for comfort and insight is quite the balancing act.  Growing in this way is painful.  It is a lot to manage.  It is a lot to comprehend.  It is a lot of emotion and sometimes it just feels like too much.
I often find myself wanting the growing pains to go away, to just experience relaxation and respite.  This is when I have to remember to sit back and acknowledge that growth, while painful, is about transition.  The pain I feel during times of growth will not last forever.  It only lasts for a short period of time before things normalize again.  Remembering that change has a time-frame is helpful for me to stay focused and see things through to the end.  When I get to the end, I allow myself time to wallow in the glow of accomplishment, learning and insight that gained from the work. 
What are the areas of growth where you feel the most pain?  Is it your work? Is it your relationship? Is it your own identity as a person?  Being able to identify the areas of growth that you desire…and the accompanying growing pain is important in being able to manage and be successful.  If you are facing growing pains, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by phone at 617-834-4235617-834-4235.

The other day I was asked what would allow someone to achieve their goals when they seem to be so far away.  My immediate gut-level reaction was “bravery”.  It was not the answer the other person was expecting.  I began exploring how others experienced bravery and their ability to recognize it in themselves. 
 
The most common definition that people came up with was that bravery is when you act without any assurance of an outcome in a situation that has great personal value for you.  Take a moment and reflect on this definition.  How does it apply to you?  Can you remember a time when you had to take action for something that was important to you…without a guarantee that you would get what you want in the way you wanted?  Perhaps you experienced this in a personal and intimate relationship.  It might have been in a professional engagement.  Bravery can be present when you face your fears.  Sometimes bravery is present in the simplest of acts, such as getting out of bed when you are in the depths of grief and mourning. 
 
Go back to that time when you were brave.  What did you experience?  How did you feel it in your body?  How did your thoughts organize?  What did it take for you to take action?  Regardless of outcome, what was your experience when you got to the other side of the experience?
 
One of my greatest challenges is heights.  I hate them.  I feel out of control and my heart races, my breathing becomes shallow and my thoughts race.  I have made it a personal mission to see if I can conquer this challenge by experiencing bravery.  Here you can see me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.  It took me 5 visits to make it to the top.  The view is breathtaking. 
 
If you are looking to tap into your bravery to accomplish your goals, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235.

The crush of September is upon us.  Kids are going back to school.  The perceived freedoms of summer are gone.  We start to become more focused on work and responsibility.  I hear about this every day.  As I sit with people, I hear more stories of being overwhelmed and under rested. 

I spend quite a few hours every week talking about self-care with the people who come to see me.  I tell them that self-care looks different for different people that they need to find time to slow down and nourish themselves.  It is important to take care of the self first or you cannot bring your very best to anyone else. 

So today I was sitting at my desk working on notes and a draft of a book that I am writing.  I found myself struggling to concentrate and almost feeling resentful of the amazing opportunities I have.  It isn’t like I wanted to run off and do something else.  I just felt … nothing.  I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t inspired.  I wasn’t feeling intellectually engaged.  I felt nothing.  I thought to myself, I am beginning to sound like the stories I hear during the week.  Time to take my own advice. 

So I did.  I stopped working.  I stopped looking at my phone and the messages that I had to return.  I closed my inbox and my manuscript.  I reached into my bag and took out colored pencils and drawing materials.  I started to color.  At first, I was trying to be precise.  Make sure it looked neat and the lines were obeyed!  The tips of my pencils were breaking and the colors looked hard.  Then, something happened.  I let my hand relax.  The colors blended and softened.  I didn’t worry about coloring outside of the lines.  I began to like my artwork.  My mind relaxed.  My chest felt a little less tight. 

If you need reminders on “how to color” and have self-care, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235617-834-4235 or elliott@insightbrookline.com.

So many people start a therapy process because they want real change.  They want to change their relationship, their place in the world, their ability to cope with the things that stress them.  People don’t want a band-aid, they want to experience a different way of being.  When therapy is great, that is what people can experience.

However, once the work starts, many folks are stunned at what it takes to create change.  When they experience the real challenge, they may often feel they can’t rise to the occasion because they have to leave their comfort zone. 
I tell people all the time that change comes from messy.  When things are neat and easy, there is no need to change—why would you?  If life is working, stay put!  However, if you want to experience something different, you have to get a little messy and try something new, something challenging, something you haven’t done yet. 


This is when the therapy practice can get a little fun!  As a therapist, it is my role to help people learn how to be messy—and sometimes I take that job literally!  I recently told one of my patients who was seeking real change to allow herself to let go and get messy.  Don’t worry about staying in control all the time.  Let go and see what happens!  Then, I gave her finger paints and sent her home with instructions to let herself get messy! 

 
This beautiful work of art is the result of her letting herself go and expressing herself in a new way.  The images tell a story of what she was wanting and thinking of at the time.  After the exercise, she was able to understand what “getting messy” meant in new ways.  She is now allowing herself to lean into her discomfort and experience new things in her life. 

If you are looking to get messy (looking for real change), contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com.