Elliott Kronenfeld, LICSW
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Your Relationship Storyline

4/27/2015

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Every relationship has a unique storyline. Like the greatest romances of our day, there is an arc from the first meeting to dramatic denouement. We grow thinking that adult relationships begin with an air of mystery and intrigue, survive through milestones and hardships before drifting into the happily ever after – until they don’t.

So many times I hear a similar story, “It was great. I don’t know what happened…it just went wrong somewhere!”  This is when it is time for a reality check. Relationships don’t “just go wrong”. There is a process to them.

Like every great story, every relationship has a beginning, a middle and an end.  Sometimes those relationships last a lifetime and beyond.  Sometimes those relationships last 15 minutes in a smoky bar. The challenge is that we never know when the middle is…and sometimes we don’t know when the end is. Sometimes, we only acknowledge the end when we look behind us and say “Oh…that was the end.”

If you want to extend your storyline, you have to work at your relationship every single day. You have to attend and be intentional. Don’t focus on the happily ever after. If that is your focus, you won’t find it. The happily ever after is buried in the here and now. When you work on your relationship daily, the middle gets extended further and further out.

If you are working on a relationship or wanting to learn how to be in a relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com

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Hey Sexy! : Talking about sex

4/27/2015

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I often will ask people basic questions very early on in my work with them, “So, how did you learn about sex?  Who taught you?”  The answers I get back are usually akin to “My friends.” “Nobody taught me, I learned by myself.” “TV, the Internet, porn.”  “Experimentation”.  Then I ask, “What messages did you get about sex?”  The answers to that question are more widespread and diverse. Some are positive. Some are negative.  Some are accurate.  Some are not!

We live in one of the advanced societies in the world, and we still struggle with talking about sex.  Some adults have great comfort with it – which is great!  However, think back.  When did you first realize that sex was a thing and that you were a sexual being?  How old were you?  What do you wish someone had told you back then?  How did you start to figure it out?   Watching TV, listening to our friends on the playground, reading books and navigating the net gives some concrete messages about who we are supposed to be as sexual beings.  Often, those messages are confusing, misaligned and sometimes, downright wrong!  Young people can’t decipher what the real messages in sex are. 

So, the challenge that ensues is when these young people who have adopted confusing messages about sex, sexuality, their bodies and how relationships form become adults.  They are increasingly challenged to enter into meaningful adult relationships intentionally and with insight. 

OK, back to our adult selves.  Think back to the start of your relationship, or if you are single, where you are when you want to be in a relationship.  What happens to you?  Do you feel excitement, confusion, fear, self-consciousness, wonder, hope …. All of the above?  Does it feel like when you were younger and trying to figure out what this whole sex thing was?  Now, the same question as before:  What do you wish someone would tell you now about sex and intimacy? 

Too often, we don’t ask or don’t know where to turn to learn about the things that we believe we are “just supposed to know.” Take a breath!  You are NOT just supposed to know.  Whether you identify as male or female or somewhere in between, this understanding doesn’t just drop into your head like manna from heaven.  This requires exploration, education, identification and curiosity.  Take the time to learn more about you, get your questions answered, see the bigger picture!  The investment you make in understanding yourself as a sexual being (or asexual being) will allow you to build more meaningful relationships of all kinds!

If you are exploring yourself and coming up with roadblocks or need information regarding understanding sex, sexuality and relationship, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

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    Author

    Elliott Kronenfeld, LICSW is a Brookline based therapist specializing in individual and couples therapy with specialities in life transitions, sex, fertility and family formation, GLBT, men's issues and relationship intimacy

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