There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late.  I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted.  Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.

While having one of these conversations, I asked a couple what the difference was between “Preferences” and “Boundaries”.  This sounds like a simple question, but it isn’t.  They struggled to come up with a clear and concise difference.  I suggested that a preference is a desire – something that we want or how we want something to be.   A boundary is a clearly delineated point that is negotiated and agreed upon that will not be crossed.

So, if use football as a point of reference (and it is okay if you are not a football fan…stay with me for a second…).  The field has a thick white line that goes around the field of play.  Both teams understand (because the rule has been clearly articulated and agreed upon) that no play happens when a player touches the white line.  When a player goes into that space the player is “out of bounds”.  Play stops.  There may or may not be a penalty, but the game is reset and continues on the field.  The team with the ball may prefer to keep running down the white line so they can score, but they can’t. 

So it is with our relationships.  We have to have clearly defined boundaries.  They may or may not be based on our preferences, but they are negotiated and agreed upon.  They are resolute until they are renegotiated. Our behaviors are then held accountable to those boundaries.  We let our preferences rule our behaviors until we come up against the boundary that we each agreed to.  When behaviors cross the boundary, a reset must happen in order for the relationship to continue "on the field".  In other words, the healthiest relationships have the clearest boundaries!

If you are looking to improve connection in your relationship or learn how to establish health boundaries, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

Recently I was in Boca de Tomatlan, Mexico for a workshop with other clinicians and practitioners of the 4 dimensional approach to sex and intimacy.  Every morning, before we would begin our work, we would clear our space.  Clearing space involved using sound (a drum, a rattle, etc), scent (copal, sage, incense, etc0, or other approach to sanctify the area we would be learning and growing in to allow us to be present, to remove negative energy and to set a space that invited intention.  As each of us would enter the workshop space, we would have ourselves cleared.  The day’s facilitator would use one of these methods by shaking a rattle, or feathers or scent around us.  Once cleared, we would be able to enter the space and begin our work for the day.  Once in the space, we each light a candle to represent our presence in the space. 
 
For those newly introduced to the process of clearing, it can seem very “airy fairy”.  However, there is a shift – and sometimes not so subtle shift – that happens.  A calmness becomes present.  An intention rises. A connection to others is strengthened.  A release of whatever pulls us broadens. 
 
So, as you sit and read this, I urge you to consider what pulls you from being focused?  Where do you wish you had the ability to create stronger connections to your space and the people in it? Where do you feel a lack of calmness? Is your intention being overshadowed by other energy?  In other words, what would it be like for you to be able to enter your day with clarity and calm? 
  
While you may not want or understand a more ritualistic clearing process, you can begin to create a clearer space for yourself.  Take a moment and stretch out your arms.  With an intention of creating calm positive energy, walk around your space and sweep your arms to sweep away all the negative energy in your space.  With each sweep of your arms, you sweep out negativity and allow positivity to enter.  Do you notice a difference in your body, your mind, your heart, your spirit?  Take time through your day to periodically, clear your space…what replaces negativity will surprise you!
 
If you are looking to learn more about creating positive energy, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com.