One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood.  Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life.  This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.The conversation usually starts quite simply by my asking “Where did you develop your definition of manhood?”  We talk about the lessons we get from our parents, role models, TV/movies, friends, social media, etc.  What we often realize is that the messages are confusing, counterintuitive and often shaming and hard to live up to.  It is no wonder so many men struggle with how to engage with their partners in an intimate way based in confidence.

A question that often gets the most diverse answers is when I ask men what they think swagger means.  Most mean think swagger is being cool, confident, sexy, having the ability to approach a potential partner and get them to go home with you, to be an amazing sex partner, to capture and hold the attention of everyone around you.  That isn’t actually swagger.
Swagger is something else entirely. Swagger isn’t about you.  Swagger is about everyone else.  When you are focused on what you do and what you bring, you are focused on ego.  Getting game and showing you have swagger is about shifting your focus away from you.  Swagger is when you make your partner feel like the most important person in the room.  Making your partner feel seen and heard and desired is swagger.  When you partner feels like the most beautiful person in the room because of how you react, that is swagger.

If you are looking to up your game and learn more about swagger, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com

Often, people in my office get confused about what they are feeling.  When asked to name the feeling they are experiencing, they often name one of four buckets of feelings:  Glad, Sad, Mad, and Anxious.  Every feeling we have gets thrown into one of those four generalized buckets.   Then, the same people start to get frustrated when their partners don’t understand the feeling or why they are experiencing it. 

Each bucket is made up of several smaller buckets.  There are lots of things that look like mad:  frustration, loneliness, sadness, confusion, fear, desperation and other feelings can all look like mad.  Let’s be sure that we are naming the right emotion. 

​Once I am able to slow them down, I ask them to examine the emotion.  What are they actually feeling?  If they tell me they are mad, I want to know more.  Where in your body do you experience mad? How do you experience mad in your body?  Once the person can start to connect the feeling with the physical self, the experience becomes more than a hot anger. 

As we get deeper into the story, the facts begin to shape the narrative.  We begin to learn about right and wrong, good and bad, should and shouldn’t.  Using curiosity to understand the thought process behind the emotion gives us valuable information that we can use to build stronger connections.

What does it mean to you to be mad?  Finding a context or a bigger picture, often broadens the story for the listener.  Then the emotion is not just a blast of affect but a message that is trying to communicate a more important message.

Learning to experience feelings and communicate them to our loved ones is a skill that can be nurtured and grown through introspection and self-awareness.  If you are looking to understand and manage your feelings in a more productive way, contact Elliott at (617) 834-4235 or by email atelliott@insightbrookline.com