Divorce isn’t easy on anyone.  When you are getting divorced with children, trying to minimize the amount of change and disruption can be overwhelming.  Children will often have core fears and concerns which may include:
  - What will happen  to me?
  - Where will we live?
  - Who will be in my family now?

Trying to figure out where to live, who is moving out, how to split your household goods and having your children see their home being dismantled can be traumatizing.  Then comes the more arduous task of creating a parenting/custody arrangement that is meaningful for everyone.  Reducing the amount of change and disruption will be easier on everyone involved.  If you and your ex-partner have a reasonably amicable relationship, one option that you may consider during separation is “nesting”.  
 
Nesting is where the children stay in the family home and the parents take turns coming in and out according to the parenting schedule.  Think of it as the kids have custody of the parents who come home and then go to the other house!  Nesting is not for everyone and is fraught with difficulties, but when the situation works, there are great benefits. Also consider that nesting may
not be a permanent solution but may help during the early months of the separation to reduce the amount of change that is happening at once.  

Here is a short list of things to consider:

1.  Being very clear on who has time at the family home will be important. There should be no unexpected drop by visits or requests for the other parent to come manage things in the home during their off time.  If you are the parent that is scheduled to be in the family home, you are on duty – if you aren’t…you are off duty!

2. Will you have a small apartment as the second home or will each of you find your own place to be when you are not at the family home?  Budget may very well determine what you can arrange.  If you are sharing the second home, what are the guidelines for privacy and use of that space?  Will you share anything above rent?  Can you entertain in this space?  Will
you share a bedroom or will you get a two bedroom for privacy purposes? 
 
3.  If you couldn’t change/influence your partner when you were together, you have even less ability to do so now.  Do you feel that you LIKE this person enough to continue sharing these responsibilities?

4. Be sure that clear agreements are in place ahead of time. How will the basics of the family home be managed?  How are
groceries and basic needs taken care of?  Is all food in the house fair game or are each of you responsible for the cost of “life” when you are on duty? How are hand-offs and situations relayed to each other so that there are no major disruptions as
the parents switch roles?

5. Will you bring the children to the other house?  It will be important for the children to know that you are safe and happy
when you are away from the house.  Even if the other home is small and sparse, seeing pictures of themselves will make the children feel comforted.  
 
6. How long are you planning on nesting?  Nesting can be a viable option during the separation process.  However, it can be quite complicated once the parents move onto other relationships.  At some point, the nesting arrangement won’t work for the parents.  Going into a nesting relationship with shorter term agreements will allow for the type of flexibility needed to grow through separation. 
 
7.  How will you know this is working?  It is recommended to schedule review meetings to discuss how to refine the arrangement
once it is set up.  Being able to resolve concerns and challenges is what will make nesting work for all parties. 

If you are considering nesting as an option for managing your parenting arrangement during separation, be sure to be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t manage. While nesting can be a wonderful way to ease your family through
transition, it can also add to the complications if not done well.  If you would like to talk more about separation/divorce, parenting or the nesting option, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.  
 

Divorce is never easy on anyone.  When you have children, it is even more  complex.  How you make decisions  to navigate the divorce process and ensure your children are as insulated as  possible will take special insight and a tremendous amount of personal  resiliency. 

Children are thrown for a loop when they realize their current  living situation is changing.  If  the marriage has been contentious, there may be feelings of relief for children  that the fighting will start to lessen. If the separation is amicable, confusion may be the emotion children are  experiencing – If you get along, why  aren’t you staying married?  In  any case, helping children navigate through the myriad of emotions, changes and  challenges – while you are trying to cope with your own – is often the most  difficult of all phases of separation and  divorce.

It is often helpful to have some simple rules for how to navigate  the minefield that is experienced by parents during this time. 
 
Rule 1:   Love your children more than you are angry at your ex.  Going through divorce will inevitably leave you with a swirling ocean of emotions.  If you are not careful, you will be driven by your anger, sadness, bitterness or fear from the proceedings and changes that result from the separation.  Remember that you love your children and want to prioritize them and their well-being -- which should take inform how you respond to the difficulties with your ex.


Rule 2.  The divorce is for you…everything else is for the  children.   During this time of change, remember that you and
your spouse are  making decisions (and have been making decisions for quite a while) that led to  the divorce.  Whether you want the  divorce or not, the children have no say in what is happening. So, while you manage the divorce process so that it is the best it can be for you, remember to focus the rest of your attention on the emotional and  physical needs of your children.  These needs may be very different than what you are normally used to, so  be on the lookout for changes and needs that are
new.  This also means that the children should not be party to discussion regarding why the separation is happening, the status of divorce or assets or other adult conversations.  If children ask, remind them that those conversations are between the adults and you will share with them information that is pertinent for them.

Rule  3:   The children need to have a relationship with both parents.  No matter what you think about your soon to be ex-partner, your children need to have a meaningful and connected  relationship to him/her.    Just as your children are a part  of you, they are a part of our ex-partner.  Children internalize their parents’  personas as their own.  If they  hear/think that their parent is a negative person, then on some level they must  be a negative person as well.   Being able to create a schedule of visitation and care (assuming there is  no documented risk/threat) for both parents will be most meaningful for the
children.  This also means that you  shouldn’t be bad mouthing the other parent or allowing friends/family to bad  mouth the other parent when the children are physically in your location.  Remember, even if children are not in  the room – they have radar ears!!

Rule 4:   Don’t overstep.  When  the parenting schedule is decided, adhere to it.  Children need structure on a good  day…it becomes critical during times of change and upheaval.   When the children are with you, it is your time to parent them.  When the children are with your ex, it  is his/her time to parent them.  Don't overstep into their parenting time.  If the children call or try to reach  out to you during the time they are away, remind them that it is their time with  their other parent.  If you feel  the need, ask to speak with the other parent (as calmly as possible!!) to help  resolve any issue.  Don’t offer to  race over to pick up the children or tell them they can come home until you have spoken to the other parent.  (Remember, you wouldn’t want that done to  you, and the children need to have a relationship with both parents!)

Rule 5:   Model! While no divorce  is a happy event, it is a good opportunity for you to model for your children  how to act with dignity, grace and self-respect in the face of hardship.  While what you say is important, how  you act is what your children will remember.  If you are angry, sad or ambivalent, it is okay to express these emotions in front of your children as long as you
are  not over emoting.  If your children are starting to feel responsible for your feelings or feel they have to side  with one parent
over the other, they are the ones being injured. Show them that  you can have strong feelings about what is happening, but can still be a mature adult, who is in control of themself and act with dignity.  
 
If you are facing any of these challenges and need additional  support or guidance, contact Elliott through this webpage
or by telephone at  617-834-4235.