You can’t dig your way out of a hole.  Think about it.  You are in a hole and you keep digging.  What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you.  If  you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you.  What should you do?  
 
Put the shovel down. 

Think.  Do something different!  If you want to get out of the hole, you can try to climb assuming the walls are solid enough with
enough toe and finger holds to support you.  But if not, how do you get out of the hole?  You ask for help.  You need a lifeline.  
 
The same is true for your relationships. When you find yourself at that point in a disagreement or situation when you feel like the walls are caving in, that is probably exactly what is happening.  How do you know you are in a relationship hole? You are in
a hole when you feel the anxiety and frustration rising and have a competitive need to prove your point. The more you advocate for the other person to come to your side and you see them becoming more rigid, you are in a hole. When you are having an argument that isn’t coming to resolution, or just feeling like no matter what you are doing isn’t working, do something different. Stop.  Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to get the other person to understand your point of view. 
Just stop.  Now breathe. Breathe again.  Now think.  What can you do differently?

If you have been talking, trying to explain yourself, trying to tell the other person why the problem exists (and why it is their fault), try doing something different.  Ask instead of tell.  Be curious.  If your energies aren’t bringing you success, why not? What else do you need to know about or from the other person?  Start again from their perspective and see if you can find a way to start making some progress.  

Okay, back to the hole. What is one of the easiest way’s out of the hole?  Start filling it in again. Have the person outside the hole send you some of the soil (aka information and perspective!) so that you can stand on it until you can reach the rim and pull yourself out. 

If you are struggling with having successful communications in  your relationships, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this
website.  
 


 

There seems to be a thread in the conversations I have had lately with many of the men I see in my practice.  Our discussions are centering on the institutionalization influences of  how masculinity is defined.  We  have entered into these talks from a variety of perspectives but we seem to end up circling around the same concerns.  Coming to grip with how men define their own manhood is a pressured and loaded situation.

For women, the pressure to be everything to everyone is clearer.  Our female counterparts have been vocal about how they have to struggle to achieve in a misogynistic world.  It is unfair and a challenge that still needs to be dealt with.  Our conversations have actually served us well in better understanding the plight women identified decades ago.  While we don’t have any solutions, we did end up with more awareness of how subtle some of the pressures/blockades are.   

So far, our conversations have focused on four key subthemes.  These themes are broad and do not apply to all men in all situations.  I am sure that as we continue to explore these themes, the richness and depth of our understanding and more themes will emerge. Here is where our discussions have taken us so far:

1.      Social image.    This is where many of our conversations started. Talking about our gender expression and how we are perceived.  The expectation to be strong, concrete and resilient can leave many men with a sense of failure, or at least a sense of ineffectiveness.  In the world where the Marlboro Man has morphed into the urban, upscale man who can create business results and provide a strong foundation for his family is new ideal.  Being soft, presenting emotional needs or wanting to take a divergent path is considered less than.  Having to be “the man” means that we must take the lead, be confident, and put our emotional desires secondary to those of our partners.  If we don’t do that…or do that well, we fail

2.      Our careers.  Some of the discussions have centered around the expectations that men feel about achievement.  Having to get ahead, be competitive, and increase our net worth is high pressure from society.  As we have delved into these discussions many of the men talk about how they wish they could have taken another path – had a career that was more focused on interest or values and less about earning potential, resulting in a simpler and less stressed life.  

3.      Bodies/physicality.    Like women, men have been discussing that the social images of men are held at an ideal. The magazine racks are covered in chisel-chinned men who are carved out of cream cheese or steroid-laden, muscle ripped lunks. 
Men are not objectified in the same way women are, but men are being told  that their bodies are not good enough.  Images in mass and social media are not representing the way most men really look. Things as simple as buying clothes that fit remind men that there is a clear standard that men should fit into. For example, if you are a shorter man, finding pants with an inseam that fits is near impossible.  If you are very tall and thin, pants are usually custom ordered. Clothing manufacturers are creating a similar angst for men that they have created for women.   

4.      Sex.  With access to the world on every device possible, we learn about sex and expectations through mass/social media
and pornography.  People don’t know how to talk about sex and intimacy – there is no consumable language for the  common man.  So, the message that many men have received is that they must be virile, long-lasting, orgasm giving and well hung.  If men don’t have the knowledge of their partner’s bodies, a high drive and staying power they are incompetent.  If men ask for
something in bed from their partner that is not on the approved menu of options, they are often judged or ignored.  Often the expectation isn’t that every one of the requests be honored, but rather that they are discussed and explored.  
 
What I take away from all of this is that many men are starting to be more aware of what they want and how that either
fits in with or is contradictory to the situation they find themselves in.  These men are starting to question their situations and how they can start to take control of their future and feel more aligned with their own emerging definition of masculinity.  They are learning what type of man they are supposed to be, and trying to be that!

If you are working through these or related issues and would like explore them, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.