Everyone wants to be a winner! Everyone likes to be right…right? Unfortunately, these two things aren’t the same thing and don’t always go together. Do you ever find yourself in an argument with your partner or friend and you are pushing to make sure they see your point and understand why you are right and they are wrong? Tempers and decibels start to rise and you are left
confused on how you ended up sleeping on the couch.

Here is the challenge: can you win and not be right? Yes! But, it requires you to change your definition of what it means to win. Being right means that you are being accurate. It is about finding a fact or truth that isn’t disputable. If the issue is subjective, it is impossible to accurately be right if others are allowed to have their opinion.  Issues that are subjective are irrefutable.  There has to be space for everyone’s unique thoughts and opinions.


In many situations, accuracy isn’t important. Being right can leave you isolated. If you define winning as getting the outcome you want at end rather than in the moment, being right is secondary. For example, if you want to have a relationship with harmony, you don’t have to be right on every topic. Does it really matter if the newly painted bathroom wall color is aqua or teal? What do
you gain by correcting your spouse in front of others?

This doesn’t mean that you have to or should just roll over in every discussion. It is about being able to determine which issues are worth being assertive (not aggressive) because your opinion or thought can influence the outcome of a decision. Learning how to present your thoughts to your partner so that you leave enough room for others to have a difference of opinion,
experience or plan helps you win. Being able to look beyond the discussion at hand to what the resolution could look like will guide how to move forward.

 Let’s look at a simplified example:

 Partner A: “I want to hang out with my friends Friday night.”

Partner B: “I haven’t seen you all week! I thought we were having date night Friday night! (thinking – Don’t you care about our
relationship?)”

Partner A: “I work hard all week, I get to see you every day! I just want to hang with my friends for a few hours. I don’t see why you see that is such a problem. (thinking – Stop controlling me!)”

Partner B: walks off sulking.

In reality, there are two different conversations going on in this example. Partner A wants to reconnect with friends and simply wants Partner B to say “I understand hanging with your friends is important and you are feeling disconnected from them after working overtime this week.” Partner B just wants Partner A to say “I really value our relationship and want to spend time with you.” Can these two seemingly counter desires co-exist? Yes!

Let’s go through the example again:

Partner A: “My friends asked me to hang out Friday night. I really want to see them. Can we talk about how to make that happen?”

Partner B: “I was really hoping and expecting that we would spend Friday night together. We really haven’t had any quality time this week.”

Partner A: “I want that too. Can we talk about how to do both?”

Obviously, it usually isn’t this simple and easy but being able to look how to get to winning over being right and justified is what works to bring relationships together. Learning to talk with your partner to get to a mutual win takes new skill and knowledge.  When learning new skills, it often feels weird, uncomfortable and embarrassing.  But like all new skills, if you
stick with it, practice brings new ability. 

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Do you ever find yourself avoiding people that you feel close to because you have a truth about yourself that you are afraid to share? In my practice I work with lots of people who are on a path of self-discovery and trying to live a life with integrity. This journey often brings new truths and/or challenges to important relationships because being open and honest about something that feels emotionally charged is scary. Sometimes it is about their identity (such as coming out as gay) or a desire (perhaps changing career or having children) or an emotional challenge (changing relationship). Whatever the issue, talking to others about it can raise anxiety, fear of judgment, rejection and loss.

When they finally find the right time to discuss the issue with family and friends, I hear things like “They will think I am crazy!” or “What if they think that everything I told them before was a lie?” or “They are going to be so angry and not talk to me anymore.” As I continue to work with them, I often remind them that they have had the luxury of time to think about the issue and gain some perspective, even if it still feels scary and uncomfortable. Helping them to remember that their supporters are just getting this information for the first time – even if they already suspected and are just getting confirmation – is an important step.

More often than not, people are surprised at just how accepting and open others can be. When they realize that the build-up was bigger than necessary, each coming declaration gets easier. However, if there is a reaction that is less than openly accepting, it is difficult not to personalize it. My advice in that moment is simple: QTIP! Quit Thinking It’s Personal!

People have to own their reactions. If someone has a reaction that is less than what you had hoped for, it isn’t about you. Negativity, anger, frustration, rigidity is about them and how they are reacting to your truth about yourself. They have to work through the new information, formulate new expectations, process through old understandings and try to understand what the new normal is. This may require a great deal of additional information, self-disclosure and support from you in the face of a seemingly lack of support. Again, remember you have been living with this knowledge for longer than they have!

Being able to remember that the end goal is to bring the relationship to a more open and connected place should be the guiding motivation. This might mean living through some difficult conversations, periods of adjustment and relearning how to connect. However, with guidance and understanding, you can be living more truthfully and openly with those you love.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

In my practice I meet with many folks who discuss their frustration with partners, co-workers, children and friends because they are being quite clear in their communication and the other person has a completely inappropriate response.  I hear things like “I was quite clear when I said….” and “He knows exactly what I meant!”  In return, these folks get angry and say things like “Well, what he said was…” and “She actually used those words!” 

It is completely understandable that relationships, no matter how strong, can be challenged by basic communication.  This is because basic communication is anything but basic.  As children we are taught vocabulary.  We are never taught how to communicate.  In school, we are given vocabulary tests, not communication quizzes.   We have to learn how to take the ever increasing list of vocabulary words we know to string them together to make concepts and thoughts so that others can understand what is going on in our heads.  We learn this by watching our families and how they communicate, hanging out with our friends and what patterns we can see through television and other media, but it is all inferred rather that taught.  We are then set out on the world to be great communicators.  If someone has a poor vocabulary, they are deemed to be poor communicators and judgments are made about their intelligence or mental acuity.  If someone’s vocabulary is too developed, they are deemed to be stuffy or haughty.  So what is right? 

Being a good communicator is more than just managing a satisfactory vocabulary.  Communication is a hard strategic skill that is the basis for all successful relationships.  This is a skill that takes enormous focus, practice and guidance.  To be a successful communicator, you have to be able to look beyond the actual words that are being spoken and find the intent of the message your partner is trying to tell you.  (“I know he said “ABC” but what was he really trying to tell you?”)  Being able to decipher the real message is a challenging and time consuming process.  However, it is easier and faster to try to get to the real message than to try to recover from a bad argument! This can be done by speaking from the “I” perspective and being curious about your partner.   Only speaking from your own experience, understanding, and perspective brings its own unique hardships because you must forgo any judgments about your partner.  Let’s face it…once you say to your partner “You are so close minded!” what reactions can your partner have?  “AM NOT!” or “So are you!”  it instantly puts your partner on the defensive.  How does anyone win after that? To engage your partner, use the greatest relationship gift…curiosity.  Be curious about your partner.  Ask questions.  (Don’t interrogate or interview!)  Wonder about his or her experience and thoughts.  Using curiosity is a difficult skill to master because it requires you to put your partner at ease so he or she can feel safe opening up and talking about what real issues may be lurking underneath. 

Even in the best of times, life can be challenging.  Being able to make difficult decisions, manage stressful situations and developing deep and meaningful relationships requires a certain inner core and foundation that often takes a lifetime to build.  Weathering the storm and enjoying the celebrations as you experience all that your life brings to you is a result of living with integrity.

What does that mean … really?  “Living with integrity” sounds like a given for most people.  After all, no one wakes up in the morning and says “Today I choose to live without integrity!”  In actuality, this is a very personal experience.  Integrity means different things to different people.  Developing your personal definition will allow you to guide yourself through some pretty sticky situations.

In general, living with integrity means to live authentically, transparently and with dignity and self respect.  Those are very lofty words!  Let’s break that down….

To live authentically means to live according to your personal standards and to achieve the highest level of development that you believe is meaningful to you.  This is a far reaching goal.  To achieve this goal requires introspection and clarity on your personal values.  Every major decision will determine if you are getting closer to that goal or you are being distracted.  A real life example would be to ask yourself if you are feeling gratified by the work you do, the relationship you are in, your financial status, your sexual relationships and other aspects of your life.  The work you do to adjust those aspects of your life means that you are realigning your life according to your values and getting closer to living with integrity.

To live transparently means that you are allowing your true self to be present in relationships with others as you learn to connect and communicate more clearly and accurately.  Do you feel that others see you as you see yourself?  Do you find that people misjudge you or don’t “get” you?  Why do you think the “you” that you experience is different from what others see?  Being able to unify your version of yourself with what others perceive allows you to live more transparently.

This is not to say that people don’t struggle with real challenges that go beyond their own capacity to resolve.  Anxiety, depression and other mental health struggles can often slow down the pace of individual growth and development and individuals can be supported through working with a talented therapist.

There are many times that I sit with clients who are stuck, living with anxiety, depression or just feel like they don’t know how to move forward. The ongoing narrative in their head tells them a story that keeps them in that place. They tell me that they don’t know what to do and are anxious about change. It is hard in that moment to feel confident and quiet the negativity they feel. We have all been in those moments when we are unsure of ourselves and feel a strong lack of confidence – which makes forward growth seem impossible.

In these moments it is extremely helpful to assess what you know – a reality test of sorts. Think about something you are confident about – perhaps riding a bike. Why are you confident? Because you know you can do it. There is evidence. You have done it in the past, you have prior successes in similar situations and you have gained confidence. You can recall those prior memories and experiences and apply them to your current desire to ride a bike and know you will be successful! When you can’t readily access those prior successes, confidence begins to wane.

When confidence begins to wane, anxiety creeps in and begins to undermine your success. Learning how to take a knowledge assessment can be very helpful in those moments. A knowledge assessment is just a simple way of figuring out what you know. In a knowledge assessment, there are four types of knowledge:

1. Information you know that you know:  You have evidence of this knowledge. You have used it in the past and it has been correct. You have applied it with positive outcomes.

2. Information you know that you don’t know:  You know that there is a particular gap in your knowledge. You may have the ability to learn it but you have identified this gap as something that is foreign to your previous experience.  When you learn information that is important for future growth, you can begin to rely on it comfortably and utilize it, this information then moves into category #1.

3. Information that you don’t know that you know:  This is information that you have learned along the way, but haven’t applied yet. You may have picked up the knowledge without even knowing it! Only when you are put in a situation and you try a new approach or understanding and have it work out is it then proven and becomes information that you know that you know. In other words, it becomes part of your awareness and another tool in your toolbox!  As you become more comfortable using this knowledge for future growth, it also becomes category #1!

4. Information that you don’t know that you don’t know:  You don’t know it and you don’t know that you don’t know it…so why does it matter? Don’t stress about this information!  If it comes to your awareness that there are things that you don’t know, it moves into category #2.  As you begin to learn it and feel more comfortable, it then moves to category #1.

Think of this as a matrix:

                                           Know                                                            Don’t Know

Know                            Confident/Applicable                                    Learnable

Don’t Know                 Subconscious                                                Doesn’t matter

Being able to peel back the emotion and have a really good look at what you know about a particular situation is often easier said than done. It often requires having a trained therapist to help you look at the knowledge you have and how to apply it to your situation. Doing it in a time of anxiety or other emotions is even more difficult. There are tips and tricks to learning how to break through emotion in order to achieve a more rational decision. To learn some of the methods of doing a knowledge assessment and how to apply the learning, call me for an appointment.

So many people try to figure out why men and women are so different (and why are we so alike in so many ways!) Gender science looks at how men and women develop, communicate and relate. Understanding what it means in practical reality can be confusing!

Let’s open with a caveat to avoid stereotypes. Not all men and women are the same. But looking at traits that are generally associated with men and women allow us to understand why some couples might have difficulties in understanding and communicating with each other. Okay, with that understanding, let’s assume that there is a continuum that runs from testosterone dominance (classic male behavior) to estrogen dominance (classic female behavior):

                                        Testosterone Dominant <—————————————> Estrogen Dominant

Everyone is somewhere along the continuum. Let’s even presume that most males are more on the testosterone dominant side and most women are on the estrogen dominant side. However men can be estrogen dominant and women can be testosterone dominant. This can affect the style, not the capacity, of partners as they try to communicate and relate. The role of communication is different based on where on the continuum one is.

Estrogen dominant people get high talking about feelings. They talk to connect. It is a way to build a bridge to another person and gratification is sought through participation in processing verbally and nonverbally. Sometimes these folks will talk to talk because there is silence and the lack of active connection can be uncomfortable. Intimacy is achieved through participation. You are paying attention to me and I am paying attention to you. We are engaging.

Testosterone dominant individuals must connect to talk. Simply being in the same space or watching a television show together quietly can be a form of intimacy. Talking is a purposeful activity and when that purpose is achieved, there is no more reason to speak. That doesn’t mean that a lack of interest or lack of intimacy is present. Intimacy is achieved through proximity. We are here together, sharing our time and space.

So what does this mean for couples? I often sit with couples who will talk about communication problems because one partner wants to talk and process while the other seems disinterested or doesn’t have anything to say. Couples begin see communication in general break down because one partner closes off completely and the other partner “chases” for connection. They begin to criticize each other and feel put upon or they begin to feel that they can’t be good enough to meet their partner’s demands. It is important to remember that behind every criticism is a desire. He is so closed off! (I want him to talk to me!)  She nags me all the time! (I just want to have a quiet night at home and relax with my partner!)

This often extends to how couples try to make things better. Estrogen dominant partners want to discuss and apologize. The participation is what makes the healing happen. Testosterone dominant partners want a change in behavior – the ability to rewind and do it better (without having to rehash and discuss the problem). As you can imagine, moving forward can be quite challenging!

Couples that are able to strengthen their relationships often tie into these ideas and gain greater insight into their partner’s communication style. Estrogen dominant partners begin to see participation through activity as well as verbal communication; nonverbal emotion becomes as important as stated emotion. Testosterone dominant partners begin to understand the importance of eye contact and more expressed communication. Understanding communication styles and being able to internalize the message that each partner is giving is a real challenge. It takes time, trust and real commitment.

If you are a gay man, woman or couple who is considering adding children to your life, this is an exciting time!  There are more and more examples of  gay men and women who are becoming parents through methods other than through  previous heterosexual relationships.  How to achieve this dream, can be  overwhelming without a lot of information and forethought.
 
There are several decisions to be made as you begin your process to  parenthood.  Here is a list of some, but not all, of the topics to be  discussed:

1. How out are you?  Do you feel comfortable with everyone knowing that  you are GLBTQQI?  The truth of the matter is that being a gay parent  requires that you find a sense of normalcy within your family/community.  Children will talk about their family and home.  Descretion is a learned  skill!  When you can normalize your sexual orientation and relationship,  you children will take your lead.  If you are uncomfortable with people knowing that you are not heterosexual, your children will internalize your concerns.
2. How will your social supports change?  Do you know lots of people with children or are you the first in your social circle to bring children into your  life?  Many first time parents are shocked when some social friends are not as welcoming of children as others.  Can you imagine yourself making new  friends in the tot lot?  Who do you think they will be?  What will that mean to you?
3. What is the role of biology?  Are you considering using your own biology (surrogacy, IVF, insemination, etc) or are you planning for  adoption?  What does it mean when one partner is genetically linked to a child but the other partner isn’t?  Will you need a sperm or egg  donor?  How will you choose?  If you choose adoption, what is the role your child’s birth family?  Understanding the difference between biological  parent and Mother/Father is an important distinction.
4. How will you manage your financial planning.  As openly gay parents to be, the cost of bringing a child into your life can range from a few hundred dollars to well over $100,000.  What process works best for you, and how you pay for it, needs to be considered as you decide to move forward.  Each process has its own benefits and challenges.  Make sure you understand the what is required and how much each step costs!
5. What legal protections will you need?  Based on where you live, your marital status and the biological root of your child will determine what legal processes you will need to preserve the appropriate protections for every member of your family.

There are many more considerations to ponder.  Be sure to talk to a specialist who understands the route to building a gay/lesbian/trans family.  Regardless of what route is best for you, be sure to think long term (What impact will these early decisions have on my child/family years from now?  What does my family look like when it is complete?) and keep as many
options on the table for as long as you can — you never know what the future brings!

As small children we role play as adults. We are explorers, teachers, doctors,  police officers, presidents. Most often we are mommies and daddies. Children are  socialized from the earliest moments to aspire to be like their parents and have  children of their own. Occasionally, as children grow up to adults, they decide  that they don’t want children, and that is a fine decision. However, for those  that want children and have difficulty having them, it is a devastating reality. 

This reality forces us to redefine our sense of self…our very identity. In turn, this can produce a sense of loss – mourning the future that we thought was ours.  While there may still be options, the story book ideal of the magical pregnancy, created and shared in love is shattered as medical professionals, family and  friends begin to weigh in and discuss the most intimate aspects of your life.

 No two people ever experience infertility the same the way. This is an extremely personal journey. Often, those living with infertility feel like the only person on the planet and that no one would understand, even those closest  to them. If you (and your partner) are living with infertility for any reason, the first step is to have a full medical work up by a fertility specialist. It is also extremely important to ensure that you have adequate emotional supports which may include a therapist who specializes in fertility issues.

Infertility can have many root causes such as medical diagnosis/treatment, loss of reproductive organs, unexplained infertility, multiple losses or simply due  to increased age. Often, a couple will be able to have an easy and successful  pregnancy and then struggle with secondary infertility (difficulty conceiving a  second or subsequent pregnancy). This can be particularly frustrating and  upsetting if the first pregnancy was so easy. Wanting to grow your family and  struggling to do so can pull focus from the rest of your life. If you are not  careful, you can become stagnated and begin struggle as you try to move  forward.

 Living with infertility can become isolating if not managed. Are you having difficulty attending baby showers or celebrations of others’ growing  families? Do you feel increased resentment or guilt? Do you find yourself  pulling away? It can be so difficult for others to understand that your sadness  is not in relationship to the happiness you feel for them, even though it may be
difficult for you to share it.

 Infertility can also cause marital woe. It is  important to remember that infertility does not happen to an individual person,
it happens to a couple. Often, one partner may feel guilty or can feel blamed.  It is important to be able to remain a unified team and to understand the root causes and possible solutions to your family building. Infertility can also  be a result of other medical conditions. In many situations, there is an option  of preserving your fertility before undergoing medical treatment. It is  important to ask your medical care team if your fertility is at risk and what options are available to you prior to treatment. There are many solutions to infertility, including ones that you may not have thought about yet. Keep hope.  Seek resources. Take good care of yourself!