So often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them.  This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better.  However, it often results in anger and disconnect.  Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned.  They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”

In my couples’ work, I see couples trying to “help” one another.  The helping comes in many forms.  It may be the attempt to constantly do for the other or be present for the other.  It may be seen in trying to take away one’s difficult or challenging feelings.  It may even happen in one’s own head in the form of restricting conversation because it may be too challenging for the other person.  One of the first rules I try to get everyone to agree to in the couples therapy process is the “No Helping” rule.  There is no more helping.  Period. 
When we “help” each other there are many inherent assumptions, such as:  I know better than you do, You can’t handle this without me, You are weak and need my support to get through this, I am more capable than you are, You are so stuck.  Additionally, this form of helping prohibits our partner from growing and learning through the opportunity to manage something challenging.  In reality, we take away their autonomy to problem solve.  We often learn best when we struggle with a difficult concept or problem.  Having the ability to do that often means that we need some time and space to work at it without interference.

As with any rule, there are exceptions.  With this rule there two:  If help is offered and accepted or if help is requested and agreed to be provided.  These exceptions must be very clearly stated.  Once help is initiated, it is not carte blanche to start “helping” all over the place.  Help is specific.  It is agreed upon.  It is not open-ended.  For example, “Can you help me by taking the groceries from the car into the kitchen?”  This request does not invite anyone to start meal planning, salting the stew or other forms of “helping”.

If you are working through how to connect in your relationship and set healthy boundaries, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or Elliott@insightbrookline.com

There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late.  I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted.  Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.

While having one of these conversations, I asked a couple what the difference was between “Preferences” and “Boundaries”.  This sounds like a simple question, but it isn’t.  They struggled to come up with a clear and concise difference.  I suggested that a preference is a desire – something that we want or how we want something to be.   A boundary is a clearly delineated point that is negotiated and agreed upon that will not be crossed.

So, if use football as a point of reference (and it is okay if you are not a football fan…stay with me for a second…).  The field has a thick white line that goes around the field of play.  Both teams understand (because the rule has been clearly articulated and agreed upon) that no play happens when a player touches the white line.  When a player goes into that space the player is “out of bounds”.  Play stops.  There may or may not be a penalty, but the game is reset and continues on the field.  The team with the ball may prefer to keep running down the white line so they can score, but they can’t. 

So it is with our relationships.  We have to have clearly defined boundaries.  They may or may not be based on our preferences, but they are negotiated and agreed upon.  They are resolute until they are renegotiated. Our behaviors are then held accountable to those boundaries.  We let our preferences rule our behaviors until we come up against the boundary that we each agreed to.  When behaviors cross the boundary, a reset must happen in order for the relationship to continue "on the field".  In other words, the healthiest relationships have the clearest boundaries!

If you are looking to improve connection in your relationship or learn how to establish health boundaries, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

We work hard to get the job.  We interview as best we can.  We get the job.  But, how often do we really get a good job description.  I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife.  More people sit in my office and say things like "S/he is just never happy...no matter what I do!" or "S/he keeps pushing me away and I don't know why!"

For those folks that know how to apply for the job and get through the interview process (dating), many are often stumped when it comes to doing the actual job and then get upset when they get a bad performance review.  I am a strong advocate for couples
counseling when things are going well.  It is the time when there is enoughresiliency in the couple to have complex discussions about expectations, how to remove assumptions and explore areas of the relationship that might be intimidating during times of duress.  This is called getting the job escription. 

An important part of understanding the job description is figuring out what your role is and how it hanges.  You will play many roles for different aspects of your life together.  For example, when it comes to health care -- what does your artner expect from you and what are you trying to do?  There are three ore roles when it comes to health care:

1.  Care giver.  The care giver does just that -- gives care  It is the person who does your laundry, cooks your meals, ensures you et your medicine, gets you to your appointments, etc.  "Sweetheart, let me do that for you."

2.  Care manager.  A care manager does not do the day to day caregiving for you, but helps to set an expectation, create a plan and checks in to ensure that the plan is being followed.  "Honey, did you eat lunch today?

3. Care plan participant.  As part of the care plan, you need to know what is going on, understand diagnosis, prescriptions, etc, but having knowledge is your role.  If an emergency arises you can assist in sharing that information with critical care givers.  "Just so you know...."

As you can imagine, these roles shift and change over time and you may play elements from more than one.  The best way to truly understand what your role should be is to have an open discussion with your partner about what job they are offering
and what job you are willing to do. 

If you are looking to bring more clarity to your relationship, contact Elliott through this webpage or by calling 617-834-4235.

When I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate.  We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words.  We begin to look at our assumptions.

All too often, it is the assumptions in a marriage that cause the greatest hurts and divides between two people.  Assumptions about a lot of things.  Assumptions about our partner's feelings.  Assumptions about our partner's motivations and intentions.  Assumptions about our partner's understandings. And, most damaging of all, assumptions of our partner's assumptions about our experience and take on a situation. 

People I work with can often get frustrated when I challenge them by asking them if what they are talking about is fact or assumption.  I mean, after all, if you have believed something for years and used that as your primary lens and modus operandi, wouldn't you be unsettled if you were asked to consider a whole new truth?   We get in the habit of checking truths before we move on.  So, we now have to ask...what is the truth?

This is a much more complex question than I can answer here, but suffice to say, the truth is whatever one person identifies as their own experience.  The assumptions and truths we are discussing are not about science or the color of the sky...it is about experience.  I experience pain, but you assume I am experiencing anger.  You experience loneliness and I assume you are experiencing jealousy. 

Being able to open the lines of communications in a relationship often takes a neutral third party who can help hold a lens and translate for a couple.  This does not mean the couple is in dire straights...it is about learning to communicate in new and more effective ways.

If you are in a relationship that is full of assumptions...and want those assumptions to leave your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.

When I start working with a new couple or individual around relationship concerns I often begin by asking them what their relationship goals are.  Most, but not all, will tell me that they are just looking for a nice, loving, monogamous relationship.  They say that like I am supposed to know what that means -- and I don't.  Not that I am clueless, but rather because I know that there is more than one meaning to the word monogamous.  

Monogamy is like the color yellow.  I can prove it.  Right now, I want you think of the color yellow.  What shade is it?  Goldenrod? Egg yolk? Sunflower? Maize?  I know that when I say the color yellow, everyone reading this is thinking of a different shade.  Even if the shades are only slightly different...they are different.  So it goes with monogamy. 

Early in my work with folks that want a monogamous relationship, I spend a lot of time trying to understand what does it mean to them.  An example of when this becomes an important exercise is when one partner partakes in pornography for personal sexual gratification and the other partner disapproves, is resentful or feels disconnected because of it.  The partner will say something along the lines of "It is coming between us...It is ruining our sex life...you have all your sex with your porn!"  For this partner, the behaviour can often have the same affect as if their partner had an affair.  The partaker will often say to me "I haven't cheated...I didn't have sex with anyone else!  What is the problem?"  

Monogamy is based on more aspects than who you can or cannot have sex with.  There are elements of trust, intimacy, social engagement, non-sexual physical touch, and more.  Creating open communications to discuss all of the important elements of trust/sexuality, physical and not, will allow couples have more meaningful, connected relationships based on accurate expectations and the ability to weather behaviours that are challenging. 

If you are dealing with relationship challenges and/or are trying to negotiate the sexual boundaries in your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com

You know those times when you are getting frustrated in your relationship because you just aren't getting your needs met?
 You keep telling your partner that you want things (sex, communication, warmth, etc) and feel like your requests are falling on deaf ears?  Frustration creeps in and you start losing stake in the relationship feeling that your connection is more distant and fractured.  

Unfortunately gaining and growing your connections is not as easy as we would have hoped...until you learn how.  Often, there is much you can do, but you have to start by looking at your own understandings, behavior and goals.  Being able to cope with your existing feelings of resentment, fear, loneliness and sadness from extended disconnect is important to be able to start to build.  When I work with individuals and couples who are ready to start building again, we first focus on understanding the who, what, how and why.  Let's break this down...

Who

Who is the  person you are trying to connect to?  While the process and and lessons are transferable across relationship types, how we might approach them are different.  Obviously, how we connect with our employer is going to be different than how we connect with our intimate partner.  Spend some time thinking about the person you are trying to connect to...what is in the way of your connection?  

What

What is connection?  To develop a solid connection, we need to know what we are talking about.  When asked to describe what connection feels like, common responses are often answers like I would be relaxed. My partner would be attending to the conversation we are having.  I would have eye contact and not be worried if we were going to run out of conversation.  I would feel valued and desired.  What does connection feel like to you?  Spend some time writing down what it is for you so that you will know it when you see/experience it.  

How

The "how" is the harder part.  This requires that we do some self assessment about ourselves and our part in the lack of connection.  It is time to ask what skills would it take to create the type of connection we are looking for.  Often, to develop connection, we need to make choices and utilize many skills such as communication skills, time management, prioritization skills, the ability to ask for help, the ability to stay focused and let go of small annoyances for the time being, etc.  What other skills and choices do you think would help you to create a strong connection?

Why

Being able to create meaningful connections can result in a plethora of positive rewards.  Yes, it is a lot of work and self challenge but the outcomes can include increased self esteem, comfort, shared relationship workload, confidence, feelings of desire and more.  What rewards do you think you will get from more meaningful connections?

If you want to learn  more about overcoming the trauma of lost connections and making new and/or stronger relationship connections, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com.  

You can’t dig your way out of a hole.  Think about it.  You are in a hole and you keep digging.  What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you.  If  you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you.  What should you do?  
 
Put the shovel down. 

Think.  Do something different!  If you want to get out of the hole, you can try to climb assuming the walls are solid enough with
enough toe and finger holds to support you.  But if not, how do you get out of the hole?  You ask for help.  You need a lifeline.  
 
The same is true for your relationships. When you find yourself at that point in a disagreement or situation when you feel like the walls are caving in, that is probably exactly what is happening.  How do you know you are in a relationship hole? You are in
a hole when you feel the anxiety and frustration rising and have a competitive need to prove your point. The more you advocate for the other person to come to your side and you see them becoming more rigid, you are in a hole. When you are having an argument that isn’t coming to resolution, or just feeling like no matter what you are doing isn’t working, do something different. Stop.  Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to get the other person to understand your point of view. 
Just stop.  Now breathe. Breathe again.  Now think.  What can you do differently?

If you have been talking, trying to explain yourself, trying to tell the other person why the problem exists (and why it is their fault), try doing something different.  Ask instead of tell.  Be curious.  If your energies aren’t bringing you success, why not? What else do you need to know about or from the other person?  Start again from their perspective and see if you can find a way to start making some progress.  

Okay, back to the hole. What is one of the easiest way’s out of the hole?  Start filling it in again. Have the person outside the hole send you some of the soil (aka information and perspective!) so that you can stand on it until you can reach the rim and pull yourself out. 

If you are struggling with having successful communications in  your relationships, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this
website.  
 


 

Divorce is never easy on anyone.  When you have children, it is even more  complex.  How you make decisions  to navigate the divorce process and ensure your children are as insulated as  possible will take special insight and a tremendous amount of personal  resiliency. 

Children are thrown for a loop when they realize their current  living situation is changing.  If  the marriage has been contentious, there may be feelings of relief for children  that the fighting will start to lessen. If the separation is amicable, confusion may be the emotion children are  experiencing – If you get along, why  aren’t you staying married?  In  any case, helping children navigate through the myriad of emotions, changes and  challenges – while you are trying to cope with your own – is often the most  difficult of all phases of separation and  divorce.

It is often helpful to have some simple rules for how to navigate  the minefield that is experienced by parents during this time. 
 
Rule 1:   Love your children more than you are angry at your ex.  Going through divorce will inevitably leave you with a swirling ocean of emotions.  If you are not careful, you will be driven by your anger, sadness, bitterness or fear from the proceedings and changes that result from the separation.  Remember that you love your children and want to prioritize them and their well-being -- which should take inform how you respond to the difficulties with your ex.


Rule 2.  The divorce is for you…everything else is for the  children.   During this time of change, remember that you and
your spouse are  making decisions (and have been making decisions for quite a while) that led to  the divorce.  Whether you want the  divorce or not, the children have no say in what is happening. So, while you manage the divorce process so that it is the best it can be for you, remember to focus the rest of your attention on the emotional and  physical needs of your children.  These needs may be very different than what you are normally used to, so  be on the lookout for changes and needs that are
new.  This also means that the children should not be party to discussion regarding why the separation is happening, the status of divorce or assets or other adult conversations.  If children ask, remind them that those conversations are between the adults and you will share with them information that is pertinent for them.

Rule  3:   The children need to have a relationship with both parents.  No matter what you think about your soon to be ex-partner, your children need to have a meaningful and connected  relationship to him/her.    Just as your children are a part  of you, they are a part of our ex-partner.  Children internalize their parents’  personas as their own.  If they  hear/think that their parent is a negative person, then on some level they must  be a negative person as well.   Being able to create a schedule of visitation and care (assuming there is  no documented risk/threat) for both parents will be most meaningful for the
children.  This also means that you  shouldn’t be bad mouthing the other parent or allowing friends/family to bad  mouth the other parent when the children are physically in your location.  Remember, even if children are not in  the room – they have radar ears!!

Rule 4:   Don’t overstep.  When  the parenting schedule is decided, adhere to it.  Children need structure on a good  day…it becomes critical during times of change and upheaval.   When the children are with you, it is your time to parent them.  When the children are with your ex, it  is his/her time to parent them.  Don't overstep into their parenting time.  If the children call or try to reach  out to you during the time they are away, remind them that it is their time with  their other parent.  If you feel  the need, ask to speak with the other parent (as calmly as possible!!) to help  resolve any issue.  Don’t offer to  race over to pick up the children or tell them they can come home until you have spoken to the other parent.  (Remember, you wouldn’t want that done to  you, and the children need to have a relationship with both parents!)

Rule 5:   Model! While no divorce  is a happy event, it is a good opportunity for you to model for your children  how to act with dignity, grace and self-respect in the face of hardship.  While what you say is important, how  you act is what your children will remember.  If you are angry, sad or ambivalent, it is okay to express these emotions in front of your children as long as you
are  not over emoting.  If your children are starting to feel responsible for your feelings or feel they have to side  with one parent
over the other, they are the ones being injured. Show them that  you can have strong feelings about what is happening, but can still be a mature adult, who is in control of themself and act with dignity.  
 
If you are facing any of these challenges and need additional  support or guidance, contact Elliott through this webpage
or by telephone at  617-834-4235.