One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood.  Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life.  This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.The conversation usually starts quite simply by my asking “Where did you develop your definition of manhood?”  We talk about the lessons we get from our parents, role models, TV/movies, friends, social media, etc.  What we often realize is that the messages are confusing, counterintuitive and often shaming and hard to live up to.  It is no wonder so many men struggle with how to engage with their partners in an intimate way based in confidence.

A question that often gets the most diverse answers is when I ask men what they think swagger means.  Most mean think swagger is being cool, confident, sexy, having the ability to approach a potential partner and get them to go home with you, to be an amazing sex partner, to capture and hold the attention of everyone around you.  That isn’t actually swagger.
Swagger is something else entirely. Swagger isn’t about you.  Swagger is about everyone else.  When you are focused on what you do and what you bring, you are focused on ego.  Getting game and showing you have swagger is about shifting your focus away from you.  Swagger is when you make your partner feel like the most important person in the room.  Making your partner feel seen and heard and desired is swagger.  When you partner feels like the most beautiful person in the room because of how you react, that is swagger.

If you are looking to up your game and learn more about swagger, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com

I play many roles in my life.  Partner, father, therapist, teacher, business owner to name a few.  These roles keep me very busy and I often feel the crushing weight of responsibility on me.  Normally I manage it well and focus on meaningful self-care and attachment to positive people (just as I tell my patients to do!).  I am intentional and mindful of what I need to do to ensure that I am meeting the many requirements that are put on me. 
However, I have become acutely aware of late that I am feeling the pain of growing in all these sectors of my life.  As a father, my children are growing and becoming more independent.  They don’t need me in the same way and I have to learn to take a more hands off approach as they learn to take on more responsibility for their being.  I don’t want to do that.  It is painful. As a partner, I am aware that my relationship becomes more complicated as we take on greater responsibility for the future, retirement, aging parents, children that are preparing to launch.  We must learn to be different partners as our life changes.  This growth is often painful.  As a therapist and business owner, it is my responsibility to ensure that I am balancing the therapeutic and business aspects of my job.  Growing the practice to support the therapists and staff that work here, while maintaining a meaningful culture and desirable work place that translates into a desirable place for patients to come for comfort and insight is quite the balancing act.  Growing in this way is painful.  It is a lot to manage.  It is a lot to comprehend.  It is a lot of emotion and sometimes it just feels like too much.
I often find myself wanting the growing pains to go away, to just experience relaxation and respite.  This is when I have to remember to sit back and acknowledge that growth, while painful, is about transition.  The pain I feel during times of growth will not last forever.  It only lasts for a short period of time before things normalize again.  Remembering that change has a time-frame is helpful for me to stay focused and see things through to the end.  When I get to the end, I allow myself time to wallow in the glow of accomplishment, learning and insight that gained from the work. 
What are the areas of growth where you feel the most pain?  Is it your work? Is it your relationship? Is it your own identity as a person?  Being able to identify the areas of growth that you desire…and the accompanying growing pain is important in being able to manage and be successful.  If you are facing growing pains, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by phone at 617-834-4235617-834-4235.

The other day I was asked what would allow someone to achieve their goals when they seem to be so far away.  My immediate gut-level reaction was “bravery”.  It was not the answer the other person was expecting.  I began exploring how others experienced bravery and their ability to recognize it in themselves. 
 
The most common definition that people came up with was that bravery is when you act without any assurance of an outcome in a situation that has great personal value for you.  Take a moment and reflect on this definition.  How does it apply to you?  Can you remember a time when you had to take action for something that was important to you…without a guarantee that you would get what you want in the way you wanted?  Perhaps you experienced this in a personal and intimate relationship.  It might have been in a professional engagement.  Bravery can be present when you face your fears.  Sometimes bravery is present in the simplest of acts, such as getting out of bed when you are in the depths of grief and mourning. 
 
Go back to that time when you were brave.  What did you experience?  How did you feel it in your body?  How did your thoughts organize?  What did it take for you to take action?  Regardless of outcome, what was your experience when you got to the other side of the experience?
 
One of my greatest challenges is heights.  I hate them.  I feel out of control and my heart races, my breathing becomes shallow and my thoughts race.  I have made it a personal mission to see if I can conquer this challenge by experiencing bravery.  Here you can see me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.  It took me 5 visits to make it to the top.  The view is breathtaking. 
 
If you are looking to tap into your bravery to accomplish your goals, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235.

The crush of September is upon us.  Kids are going back to school.  The perceived freedoms of summer are gone.  We start to become more focused on work and responsibility.  I hear about this every day.  As I sit with people, I hear more stories of being overwhelmed and under rested. 

I spend quite a few hours every week talking about self-care with the people who come to see me.  I tell them that self-care looks different for different people that they need to find time to slow down and nourish themselves.  It is important to take care of the self first or you cannot bring your very best to anyone else. 

So today I was sitting at my desk working on notes and a draft of a book that I am writing.  I found myself struggling to concentrate and almost feeling resentful of the amazing opportunities I have.  It isn’t like I wanted to run off and do something else.  I just felt … nothing.  I wasn’t excited.  I wasn’t inspired.  I wasn’t feeling intellectually engaged.  I felt nothing.  I thought to myself, I am beginning to sound like the stories I hear during the week.  Time to take my own advice. 

So I did.  I stopped working.  I stopped looking at my phone and the messages that I had to return.  I closed my inbox and my manuscript.  I reached into my bag and took out colored pencils and drawing materials.  I started to color.  At first, I was trying to be precise.  Make sure it looked neat and the lines were obeyed!  The tips of my pencils were breaking and the colors looked hard.  Then, something happened.  I let my hand relax.  The colors blended and softened.  I didn’t worry about coloring outside of the lines.  I began to like my artwork.  My mind relaxed.  My chest felt a little less tight. 

If you need reminders on “how to color” and have self-care, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235617-834-4235 or elliott@insightbrookline.com.

So many people start a therapy process because they want real change.  They want to change their relationship, their place in the world, their ability to cope with the things that stress them.  People don’t want a band-aid, they want to experience a different way of being.  When therapy is great, that is what people can experience.

However, once the work starts, many folks are stunned at what it takes to create change.  When they experience the real challenge, they may often feel they can’t rise to the occasion because they have to leave their comfort zone. 
I tell people all the time that change comes from messy.  When things are neat and easy, there is no need to change—why would you?  If life is working, stay put!  However, if you want to experience something different, you have to get a little messy and try something new, something challenging, something you haven’t done yet. 


This is when the therapy practice can get a little fun!  As a therapist, it is my role to help people learn how to be messy—and sometimes I take that job literally!  I recently told one of my patients who was seeking real change to allow herself to let go and get messy.  Don’t worry about staying in control all the time.  Let go and see what happens!  Then, I gave her finger paints and sent her home with instructions to let herself get messy! 

 
This beautiful work of art is the result of her letting herself go and expressing herself in a new way.  The images tell a story of what she was wanting and thinking of at the time.  After the exercise, she was able to understand what “getting messy” meant in new ways.  She is now allowing herself to lean into her discomfort and experience new things in her life. 

If you are looking to get messy (looking for real change), contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com. 

Today the United States Supreme Court handed down a ruling that stated that marriage is no longer permitted to be solely between one man and one woman in this country.  When the news hit the wires, I was in that rare moment between clients when I get to see what is actually happening in the outside world beyond the safe confines of my room.  My browser exploded with messages from friends, family and colleagues about their reactions to this moment.

For a brief moment I was overjoyed and the celebratory at all the opportunity that so many would be able to avail themselves of.  I thought of all the work and diligence that so many committed themselves to in the journey to equality.  And then, reality set in.  In my waiting room, was my next appointment.   

My next appointment was a 52 year old man that I have seen for more than two years.  When he first came to me, he had suicidal ideation, addiction and no desire to continue living.  We have made amazing advancements in his care and wellbeing.  The root of his psychiatric challenge has formed in his absolute shame and guilt for identifying as a gay man.  When he entered my office this afternoon, I asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.  I was excited to tell him that being gay and in a loving relationship was being recognized across this nation.  His reaction was grounding. 

He looked at me and asked what any of that had to do with him.  He still couldn’t understand why he was gay and how anyone could ever love him.    It was a sobering moment.  Our work as practitioners allows us to experience the amazing moments in our clients’ lives.  We see grow, understanding and acceptance.  And, in moments like this, they teach us.   

While I will continue to celebrate this landmark decision and be ever grateful for the shoulders of others that families like mine get to stand on, I will not forget the rest of the work that is still to be done.  Just because people can legally marry, does not prepare people for the complex journey they can now take.  Our work will continue to focus on helping others learn to love themselves, be able to love others and accept love – this is the continuing work in mind, head, body and spirit.   If you are struggling with your sexual identity or what marriage means in your life, contact Elliott at Elliott@insightbrookline.com or 617-834-4235.

There are times when I forget.  I forget that I can do something. I forget that I have the power to influence and create change.  I forget that I have coping skills.  And, when I forget any of these things, I also forget how to find meaning and perspective.  I lose myself in the chaos and noise and see my skills begin to erode away.  When this happens the most important thing I can do is recenter myself, find my core and listen to the inner voice that guides me.  This challenge is often resolved when I find a labyrinth and walk with intention. 

Whenever I talk about the labyrinth, I get looks of confusion.  Why would I want to walk a maze when I am frustrated?  (Hint:  It isn’t a maze but a single path that you can’t stray from.)  Sometimes I get attitude of disregard because all this mindfulness talk is too “airy fairy” for some folks.  It is important to know that whatever you think the labyrinth can be it will be.  Dating back to the times of the Druids, the labyrinth represents a journey complete.  When we are struggling, is that what we want – a completed journey?

So, the next time you “forget”, find a labyrinth (www.labyrinthlocator.com) and walk with mindfulness.  Walk slowly and reflectively. Don’t try to ignore your distractions because they will only become bigger.  Acknowledge your distractions and choose to let them go for now.  Don’t rush. Take deep, slow breaths.  Breath in for a count of five and exhale for a count of five.  Imagine you are breathing in peace and exhaling stress and anxiety.  Calm your body and brain as you walk and remember – you can. 

There are labyrinths all around us.  I can’t help myself.  Wherever I go, I am on the hunt for these beautiful opportunities to remember myself.  They can be ornate or simple.  They are like us – organic.  Some are quite large and intricate while others are remarkably simple.  This photograph is me walking the labyrinth in Ogunquit, Maine.  If you are looking for greater mindfulness and need guidance, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or at Elliott@insightbrookline.com.

Building a house, changing a career, making a plan – all of these require a certain focus and approach in order to be successful. 
It is also critical to remember that these shifts and changes don’t happen in moment nor do they rely on just one factor.   It is often most challenging to make real lasting change when there isn’t a plan and strategy to support the growth.  So many people will attempt change and then give up when the results are not immediately gratifying.

The failed approach to change is often something like this:  “I want a change. I am afraid of a change (or don’t know how to do it).  I am going to gain strength to make a change. I make a change.  ‘See…I told you so!’”  Now, while I applaud the effort and the focus, I also acknowledge that there are some critical stages missing from this approach.  As I coach people through the planning and execution of change I tell them to follow the 5 C’s of lasting  change.

Consumer  – Who is the change designed to affect?  It is important to know who the stakeholders in the change process
are.  This can be yourself, your family, your relationship, your career.  
 
Conceive – What is the goal?  One of the most important parts of making change is being able to define what success would look like. How will you identify positive improvement when you see it?

Configure – What resources and energy do you need?  Too often, we conceive of a great idea and just start doing it.  It is
important to slow down, ensure that we have all of our resources, support from key stakeholders, information, etc. We are more apt to find success when we have better equipped ourselves for the change.

Construct – Make a change!  Go ahead and do it!  Don’t try to change everything at once.   Take the first step.  Remember that real and lasting change is done over time.  Dramatic shifts are harder to bear and less likely to stick!

Continuous Improvement  – Reevaluate!  It is time to take stock in what has happened. How has the change brought you closer to the goal? Think of this as waterfall development.  Start with Change 1.0 and then move onto Change 1.1, Change 1.2, etc. This requires that you go back up to the top and check in with your  consumers for clarity, revisioning and additional support.
Conceive of the next level of change, Configure…..you get it!

If you are facing a great deal of change and want to talk about how to better manage it, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at this website or by calling 617-834-4235

You know those times when you are getting frustrated in your relationship because you just aren't getting your needs met?
 You keep telling your partner that you want things (sex, communication, warmth, etc) and feel like your requests are falling on deaf ears?  Frustration creeps in and you start losing stake in the relationship feeling that your connection is more distant and fractured.  

Unfortunately gaining and growing your connections is not as easy as we would have hoped...until you learn how.  Often, there is much you can do, but you have to start by looking at your own understandings, behavior and goals.  Being able to cope with your existing feelings of resentment, fear, loneliness and sadness from extended disconnect is important to be able to start to build.  When I work with individuals and couples who are ready to start building again, we first focus on understanding the who, what, how and why.  Let's break this down...

Who

Who is the  person you are trying to connect to?  While the process and and lessons are transferable across relationship types, how we might approach them are different.  Obviously, how we connect with our employer is going to be different than how we connect with our intimate partner.  Spend some time thinking about the person you are trying to connect to...what is in the way of your connection?  

What

What is connection?  To develop a solid connection, we need to know what we are talking about.  When asked to describe what connection feels like, common responses are often answers like I would be relaxed. My partner would be attending to the conversation we are having.  I would have eye contact and not be worried if we were going to run out of conversation.  I would feel valued and desired.  What does connection feel like to you?  Spend some time writing down what it is for you so that you will know it when you see/experience it.  

How

The "how" is the harder part.  This requires that we do some self assessment about ourselves and our part in the lack of connection.  It is time to ask what skills would it take to create the type of connection we are looking for.  Often, to develop connection, we need to make choices and utilize many skills such as communication skills, time management, prioritization skills, the ability to ask for help, the ability to stay focused and let go of small annoyances for the time being, etc.  What other skills and choices do you think would help you to create a strong connection?

Why

Being able to create meaningful connections can result in a plethora of positive rewards.  Yes, it is a lot of work and self challenge but the outcomes can include increased self esteem, comfort, shared relationship workload, confidence, feelings of desire and more.  What rewards do you think you will get from more meaningful connections?

If you want to learn  more about overcoming the trauma of lost connections and making new and/or stronger relationship connections, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com.  

There seems to be a thread in the conversations I have had lately with many of the men I see in my practice.  Our discussions are centering on the institutionalization influences of  how masculinity is defined.  We  have entered into these talks from a variety of perspectives but we seem to end up circling around the same concerns.  Coming to grip with how men define their own manhood is a pressured and loaded situation.

For women, the pressure to be everything to everyone is clearer.  Our female counterparts have been vocal about how they have to struggle to achieve in a misogynistic world.  It is unfair and a challenge that still needs to be dealt with.  Our conversations have actually served us well in better understanding the plight women identified decades ago.  While we don’t have any solutions, we did end up with more awareness of how subtle some of the pressures/blockades are.   

So far, our conversations have focused on four key subthemes.  These themes are broad and do not apply to all men in all situations.  I am sure that as we continue to explore these themes, the richness and depth of our understanding and more themes will emerge. Here is where our discussions have taken us so far:

1.      Social image.    This is where many of our conversations started. Talking about our gender expression and how we are perceived.  The expectation to be strong, concrete and resilient can leave many men with a sense of failure, or at least a sense of ineffectiveness.  In the world where the Marlboro Man has morphed into the urban, upscale man who can create business results and provide a strong foundation for his family is new ideal.  Being soft, presenting emotional needs or wanting to take a divergent path is considered less than.  Having to be “the man” means that we must take the lead, be confident, and put our emotional desires secondary to those of our partners.  If we don’t do that…or do that well, we fail

2.      Our careers.  Some of the discussions have centered around the expectations that men feel about achievement.  Having to get ahead, be competitive, and increase our net worth is high pressure from society.  As we have delved into these discussions many of the men talk about how they wish they could have taken another path – had a career that was more focused on interest or values and less about earning potential, resulting in a simpler and less stressed life.  

3.      Bodies/physicality.    Like women, men have been discussing that the social images of men are held at an ideal. The magazine racks are covered in chisel-chinned men who are carved out of cream cheese or steroid-laden, muscle ripped lunks. 
Men are not objectified in the same way women are, but men are being told  that their bodies are not good enough.  Images in mass and social media are not representing the way most men really look. Things as simple as buying clothes that fit remind men that there is a clear standard that men should fit into. For example, if you are a shorter man, finding pants with an inseam that fits is near impossible.  If you are very tall and thin, pants are usually custom ordered. Clothing manufacturers are creating a similar angst for men that they have created for women.   

4.      Sex.  With access to the world on every device possible, we learn about sex and expectations through mass/social media
and pornography.  People don’t know how to talk about sex and intimacy – there is no consumable language for the  common man.  So, the message that many men have received is that they must be virile, long-lasting, orgasm giving and well hung.  If men don’t have the knowledge of their partner’s bodies, a high drive and staying power they are incompetent.  If men ask for
something in bed from their partner that is not on the approved menu of options, they are often judged or ignored.  Often the expectation isn’t that every one of the requests be honored, but rather that they are discussed and explored.  
 
What I take away from all of this is that many men are starting to be more aware of what they want and how that either
fits in with or is contradictory to the situation they find themselves in.  These men are starting to question their situations and how they can start to take control of their future and feel more aligned with their own emerging definition of masculinity.  They are learning what type of man they are supposed to be, and trying to be that!

If you are working through these or related issues and would like explore them, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.