Today the United States Supreme Court handed down a ruling that stated that marriage is no longer permitted to be solely between one man and one woman in this country.  When the news hit the wires, I was in that rare moment between clients when I get to see what is actually happening in the outside world beyond the safe confines of my room.  My browser exploded with messages from friends, family and colleagues about their reactions to this moment.

For a brief moment I was overjoyed and the celebratory at all the opportunity that so many would be able to avail themselves of.  I thought of all the work and diligence that so many committed themselves to in the journey to equality.  And then, reality set in.  In my waiting room, was my next appointment.   

My next appointment was a 52 year old man that I have seen for more than two years.  When he first came to me, he had suicidal ideation, addiction and no desire to continue living.  We have made amazing advancements in his care and wellbeing.  The root of his psychiatric challenge has formed in his absolute shame and guilt for identifying as a gay man.  When he entered my office this afternoon, I asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.  I was excited to tell him that being gay and in a loving relationship was being recognized across this nation.  His reaction was grounding. 

He looked at me and asked what any of that had to do with him.  He still couldn’t understand why he was gay and how anyone could ever love him.    It was a sobering moment.  Our work as practitioners allows us to experience the amazing moments in our clients’ lives.  We see grow, understanding and acceptance.  And, in moments like this, they teach us.   

While I will continue to celebrate this landmark decision and be ever grateful for the shoulders of others that families like mine get to stand on, I will not forget the rest of the work that is still to be done.  Just because people can legally marry, does not prepare people for the complex journey they can now take.  Our work will continue to focus on helping others learn to love themselves, be able to love others and accept love – this is the continuing work in mind, head, body and spirit.   If you are struggling with your sexual identity or what marriage means in your life, contact Elliott at Elliott@insightbrookline.com or 617-834-4235.

Do you remember being a child and jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time?  You were probably not sure what would happen, whether you would sink or swim.   Could you be brave enough to take the leap, even though you weren’t sure  it was the right thing for you to do?  For many, first jumps are to be celebrated…a perfect cannonball, a quick  resurface and a dog paddle to the edge to try it again.  However, there are those that jump in and sink a little too low, take in  water, feel pressure and the fear of not being able to breathe. The latter is  what it feels like when you are in a life situation where you are confused, feel  internally trapped and needing escape.

 I have built a strong practice on helping couples cope and  process through when one or both partners begins to identify as gay, lesbian,  bisexual or transgendered (GLBT).   The impact of such a realization cannot be underestimated.  Both partners will go through a myriad of emotions, not limited to grief, sorrow, anger, rage, embarrassment, fear, depression, hope, liberation, and a  re-identification of oneself. 

For the person coming out, she or he may or may  not have had an understanding of their sexual identity all long.   Some people only begin to realize a changing sexual identity later in  life.  Many of these clients are concerned that they have lived a lie, or that others will think they have lied  to them.  There are concerns about  how to live a more authentic life and to bring fulfillment to themselves without  causing additional negative feelings to the people they love.   We spend countless hours talking about how to balance their own emerging needs with the consistent and new needs of their families – and how their family structure can and will change.  If children of any age are involved, discussions about how to maintain the parenting role while being honest with children who will undoubtedly have very personal questions will happen.
 
For the spouse of the person coming out, it is important to talk through the meaning of this new information. It is often so hard to realize that many seemingly good marriages may end as a result of a partner coming out and there  is nothing
another can do to “convince”a partner that it doesn’t matter.  Left spouses often feel deserted,  betrayed, a sense of failure and true loss.  Helping a left spouse work through the  complications of a crisis of identity and reemerge strong, vibrant and able to have a meaningful relationship will take time, but is certainly possible. 

We live a new and different world than we did  just five years ago.  What it means  to be GLBT in today’s world has different
implications.  One’s sexual identity is not a reflection on anyone but the  individual.  Being in a  relationship with someone who comes out does not reflect on your orientation or ability to be an effective and meaningful relationship partner.  Obviously, each relationship and situation must be understood with its  own unique facts and personalities; however, each relationship has the ability to transform and bring meaning to all.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Do you ever find yourself avoiding people that you feel close to because you have a truth about yourself that you are afraid to share? In my practice I work with lots of people who are on a path of self-discovery and trying to live a life with integrity. This journey often brings new truths and/or challenges to important relationships because being open and honest about something that feels emotionally charged is scary. Sometimes it is about their identity (such as coming out as gay) or a desire (perhaps changing career or having children) or an emotional challenge (changing relationship). Whatever the issue, talking to others about it can raise anxiety, fear of judgment, rejection and loss.

When they finally find the right time to discuss the issue with family and friends, I hear things like “They will think I am crazy!” or “What if they think that everything I told them before was a lie?” or “They are going to be so angry and not talk to me anymore.” As I continue to work with them, I often remind them that they have had the luxury of time to think about the issue and gain some perspective, even if it still feels scary and uncomfortable. Helping them to remember that their supporters are just getting this information for the first time – even if they already suspected and are just getting confirmation – is an important step.

More often than not, people are surprised at just how accepting and open others can be. When they realize that the build-up was bigger than necessary, each coming declaration gets easier. However, if there is a reaction that is less than openly accepting, it is difficult not to personalize it. My advice in that moment is simple: QTIP! Quit Thinking It’s Personal!

People have to own their reactions. If someone has a reaction that is less than what you had hoped for, it isn’t about you. Negativity, anger, frustration, rigidity is about them and how they are reacting to your truth about yourself. They have to work through the new information, formulate new expectations, process through old understandings and try to understand what the new normal is. This may require a great deal of additional information, self-disclosure and support from you in the face of a seemingly lack of support. Again, remember you have been living with this knowledge for longer than they have!

Being able to remember that the end goal is to bring the relationship to a more open and connected place should be the guiding motivation. This might mean living through some difficult conversations, periods of adjustment and relearning how to connect. However, with guidance and understanding, you can be living more truthfully and openly with those you love.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

If you are a gay man, woman or couple who is considering adding children to your life, this is an exciting time!  There are more and more examples of  gay men and women who are becoming parents through methods other than through  previous heterosexual relationships.  How to achieve this dream, can be  overwhelming without a lot of information and forethought.
 
There are several decisions to be made as you begin your process to  parenthood.  Here is a list of some, but not all, of the topics to be  discussed:

1. How out are you?  Do you feel comfortable with everyone knowing that  you are GLBTQQI?  The truth of the matter is that being a gay parent  requires that you find a sense of normalcy within your family/community.  Children will talk about their family and home.  Descretion is a learned  skill!  When you can normalize your sexual orientation and relationship,  you children will take your lead.  If you are uncomfortable with people knowing that you are not heterosexual, your children will internalize your concerns.
2. How will your social supports change?  Do you know lots of people with children or are you the first in your social circle to bring children into your  life?  Many first time parents are shocked when some social friends are not as welcoming of children as others.  Can you imagine yourself making new  friends in the tot lot?  Who do you think they will be?  What will that mean to you?
3. What is the role of biology?  Are you considering using your own biology (surrogacy, IVF, insemination, etc) or are you planning for  adoption?  What does it mean when one partner is genetically linked to a child but the other partner isn’t?  Will you need a sperm or egg  donor?  How will you choose?  If you choose adoption, what is the role your child’s birth family?  Understanding the difference between biological  parent and Mother/Father is an important distinction.
4. How will you manage your financial planning.  As openly gay parents to be, the cost of bringing a child into your life can range from a few hundred dollars to well over $100,000.  What process works best for you, and how you pay for it, needs to be considered as you decide to move forward.  Each process has its own benefits and challenges.  Make sure you understand the what is required and how much each step costs!
5. What legal protections will you need?  Based on where you live, your marital status and the biological root of your child will determine what legal processes you will need to preserve the appropriate protections for every member of your family.

There are many more considerations to ponder.  Be sure to talk to a specialist who understands the route to building a gay/lesbian/trans family.  Regardless of what route is best for you, be sure to think long term (What impact will these early decisions have on my child/family years from now?  What does my family look like when it is complete?) and keep as many
options on the table for as long as you can — you never know what the future brings!