One of my favorite things about working with men is talking about manhood.  Really understanding where their definition of manhood was developed and how it is present in their everyday life.  This conversation is really interesting as most men are thinking about this for the first time.The conversation usually starts quite simply by my asking “Where did you develop your definition of manhood?”  We talk about the lessons we get from our parents, role models, TV/movies, friends, social media, etc.  What we often realize is that the messages are confusing, counterintuitive and often shaming and hard to live up to.  It is no wonder so many men struggle with how to engage with their partners in an intimate way based in confidence.

A question that often gets the most diverse answers is when I ask men what they think swagger means.  Most mean think swagger is being cool, confident, sexy, having the ability to approach a potential partner and get them to go home with you, to be an amazing sex partner, to capture and hold the attention of everyone around you.  That isn’t actually swagger.
Swagger is something else entirely. Swagger isn’t about you.  Swagger is about everyone else.  When you are focused on what you do and what you bring, you are focused on ego.  Getting game and showing you have swagger is about shifting your focus away from you.  Swagger is when you make your partner feel like the most important person in the room.  Making your partner feel seen and heard and desired is swagger.  When you partner feels like the most beautiful person in the room because of how you react, that is swagger.

If you are looking to up your game and learn more about swagger, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com

Today the United States Supreme Court handed down a ruling that stated that marriage is no longer permitted to be solely between one man and one woman in this country.  When the news hit the wires, I was in that rare moment between clients when I get to see what is actually happening in the outside world beyond the safe confines of my room.  My browser exploded with messages from friends, family and colleagues about their reactions to this moment.

For a brief moment I was overjoyed and the celebratory at all the opportunity that so many would be able to avail themselves of.  I thought of all the work and diligence that so many committed themselves to in the journey to equality.  And then, reality set in.  In my waiting room, was my next appointment.   

My next appointment was a 52 year old man that I have seen for more than two years.  When he first came to me, he had suicidal ideation, addiction and no desire to continue living.  We have made amazing advancements in his care and wellbeing.  The root of his psychiatric challenge has formed in his absolute shame and guilt for identifying as a gay man.  When he entered my office this afternoon, I asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.  I was excited to tell him that being gay and in a loving relationship was being recognized across this nation.  His reaction was grounding. 

He looked at me and asked what any of that had to do with him.  He still couldn’t understand why he was gay and how anyone could ever love him.    It was a sobering moment.  Our work as practitioners allows us to experience the amazing moments in our clients’ lives.  We see grow, understanding and acceptance.  And, in moments like this, they teach us.   

While I will continue to celebrate this landmark decision and be ever grateful for the shoulders of others that families like mine get to stand on, I will not forget the rest of the work that is still to be done.  Just because people can legally marry, does not prepare people for the complex journey they can now take.  Our work will continue to focus on helping others learn to love themselves, be able to love others and accept love – this is the continuing work in mind, head, body and spirit.   If you are struggling with your sexual identity or what marriage means in your life, contact Elliott at Elliott@insightbrookline.com or 617-834-4235.

When I start working with a new couple or individual around relationship concerns I often begin by asking them what their relationship goals are.  Most, but not all, will tell me that they are just looking for a nice, loving, monogamous relationship.  They say that like I am supposed to know what that means -- and I don't.  Not that I am clueless, but rather because I know that there is more than one meaning to the word monogamous.  

Monogamy is like the color yellow.  I can prove it.  Right now, I want you think of the color yellow.  What shade is it?  Goldenrod? Egg yolk? Sunflower? Maize?  I know that when I say the color yellow, everyone reading this is thinking of a different shade.  Even if the shades are only slightly different...they are different.  So it goes with monogamy. 

Early in my work with folks that want a monogamous relationship, I spend a lot of time trying to understand what does it mean to them.  An example of when this becomes an important exercise is when one partner partakes in pornography for personal sexual gratification and the other partner disapproves, is resentful or feels disconnected because of it.  The partner will say something along the lines of "It is coming between us...It is ruining our sex life...you have all your sex with your porn!"  For this partner, the behaviour can often have the same affect as if their partner had an affair.  The partaker will often say to me "I haven't cheated...I didn't have sex with anyone else!  What is the problem?"  

Monogamy is based on more aspects than who you can or cannot have sex with.  There are elements of trust, intimacy, social engagement, non-sexual physical touch, and more.  Creating open communications to discuss all of the important elements of trust/sexuality, physical and not, will allow couples have more meaningful, connected relationships based on accurate expectations and the ability to weather behaviours that are challenging. 

If you are dealing with relationship challenges and/or are trying to negotiate the sexual boundaries in your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com

You can’t dig your way out of a hole.  Think about it.  You are in a hole and you keep digging.  What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you.  If  you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you.  What should you do?  
 
Put the shovel down. 

Think.  Do something different!  If you want to get out of the hole, you can try to climb assuming the walls are solid enough with
enough toe and finger holds to support you.  But if not, how do you get out of the hole?  You ask for help.  You need a lifeline.  
 
The same is true for your relationships. When you find yourself at that point in a disagreement or situation when you feel like the walls are caving in, that is probably exactly what is happening.  How do you know you are in a relationship hole? You are in
a hole when you feel the anxiety and frustration rising and have a competitive need to prove your point. The more you advocate for the other person to come to your side and you see them becoming more rigid, you are in a hole. When you are having an argument that isn’t coming to resolution, or just feeling like no matter what you are doing isn’t working, do something different. Stop.  Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to get the other person to understand your point of view. 
Just stop.  Now breathe. Breathe again.  Now think.  What can you do differently?

If you have been talking, trying to explain yourself, trying to tell the other person why the problem exists (and why it is their fault), try doing something different.  Ask instead of tell.  Be curious.  If your energies aren’t bringing you success, why not? What else do you need to know about or from the other person?  Start again from their perspective and see if you can find a way to start making some progress.  

Okay, back to the hole. What is one of the easiest way’s out of the hole?  Start filling it in again. Have the person outside the hole send you some of the soil (aka information and perspective!) so that you can stand on it until you can reach the rim and pull yourself out. 

If you are struggling with having successful communications in  your relationships, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this
website.  
 


 

There seems to be a thread in the conversations I have had lately with many of the men I see in my practice.  Our discussions are centering on the institutionalization influences of  how masculinity is defined.  We  have entered into these talks from a variety of perspectives but we seem to end up circling around the same concerns.  Coming to grip with how men define their own manhood is a pressured and loaded situation.

For women, the pressure to be everything to everyone is clearer.  Our female counterparts have been vocal about how they have to struggle to achieve in a misogynistic world.  It is unfair and a challenge that still needs to be dealt with.  Our conversations have actually served us well in better understanding the plight women identified decades ago.  While we don’t have any solutions, we did end up with more awareness of how subtle some of the pressures/blockades are.   

So far, our conversations have focused on four key subthemes.  These themes are broad and do not apply to all men in all situations.  I am sure that as we continue to explore these themes, the richness and depth of our understanding and more themes will emerge. Here is where our discussions have taken us so far:

1.      Social image.    This is where many of our conversations started. Talking about our gender expression and how we are perceived.  The expectation to be strong, concrete and resilient can leave many men with a sense of failure, or at least a sense of ineffectiveness.  In the world where the Marlboro Man has morphed into the urban, upscale man who can create business results and provide a strong foundation for his family is new ideal.  Being soft, presenting emotional needs or wanting to take a divergent path is considered less than.  Having to be “the man” means that we must take the lead, be confident, and put our emotional desires secondary to those of our partners.  If we don’t do that…or do that well, we fail

2.      Our careers.  Some of the discussions have centered around the expectations that men feel about achievement.  Having to get ahead, be competitive, and increase our net worth is high pressure from society.  As we have delved into these discussions many of the men talk about how they wish they could have taken another path – had a career that was more focused on interest or values and less about earning potential, resulting in a simpler and less stressed life.  

3.      Bodies/physicality.    Like women, men have been discussing that the social images of men are held at an ideal. The magazine racks are covered in chisel-chinned men who are carved out of cream cheese or steroid-laden, muscle ripped lunks. 
Men are not objectified in the same way women are, but men are being told  that their bodies are not good enough.  Images in mass and social media are not representing the way most men really look. Things as simple as buying clothes that fit remind men that there is a clear standard that men should fit into. For example, if you are a shorter man, finding pants with an inseam that fits is near impossible.  If you are very tall and thin, pants are usually custom ordered. Clothing manufacturers are creating a similar angst for men that they have created for women.   

4.      Sex.  With access to the world on every device possible, we learn about sex and expectations through mass/social media
and pornography.  People don’t know how to talk about sex and intimacy – there is no consumable language for the  common man.  So, the message that many men have received is that they must be virile, long-lasting, orgasm giving and well hung.  If men don’t have the knowledge of their partner’s bodies, a high drive and staying power they are incompetent.  If men ask for
something in bed from their partner that is not on the approved menu of options, they are often judged or ignored.  Often the expectation isn’t that every one of the requests be honored, but rather that they are discussed and explored.  
 
What I take away from all of this is that many men are starting to be more aware of what they want and how that either
fits in with or is contradictory to the situation they find themselves in.  These men are starting to question their situations and how they can start to take control of their future and feel more aligned with their own emerging definition of masculinity.  They are learning what type of man they are supposed to be, and trying to be that!

If you are working through these or related issues and would like explore them, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.  

Bringing a new baby into the family is an exciting time.  We celebrate the newness of life and have hope for the future.  People are curious about the delivery and the birth story.  Parents are excited and siblings are cautious (at best). 

As everyone swoops in to celebrate the new mother with flowers and wishes for a speedy recovery it is important to pause for a moment and remember the Dad Factor (or the other Mom Factor in lesbian couples).  While initially, there are enough congratulations to go around, the focus inevitably ends on the person who gave birth.  It is important to remember the role the non-gestating parent plays. 

When I work with my parents-to-be, I always remind them that “they” are pregnant.  Even though only one of them has the “joy” of carrying the baby pre-term, they both have important roles to play from the time the baby is conceived.  The investment of both parents starts at that very early time in the process.

Whether it is taking on additional house duties, rubbing lower backs or just deepening personal patience during hormonal flights of fury, the Dad to be is experiencing his portion of the pregnancy.  His excitement, worry, lack of confidence, dreams, etc, are all just as real and important. 

Unfortunately, our society – while having improved – still doesn’t value the Dad role as equally as the Mom role.  Dads don’t get equitable paternity leave from most companies and most Dads don’t take the little paternity leave they are offered!  Many marketing and social constructs are still geared only to Moms and not "parents" or "Moms and Dads".  Until our society moves away from the solid male breadwinner/female caregiver stereotypes, Dads face an uphill battle in having their experience as new parents valued. 

While we need to still push for equal family leave, there are several things we can do as individuals to ensure that Dad (or other Mom) gets their needs met.

1.       Remember there are two parents.  Be sure to ask about the experience of both parents.  Dad will have his own version of the birth story.  After all, watching the person you love go through the experience of childbirth and seeing your child take their first breath fundamentally changes you.  Be sure to acknowledge and celebrate Dad’s experience as much as Mom’s.

2.       Be mindful that midnight feedings, diaper changes, and changes in routine affect the whole family.  Ask Dad his opinion on what would be helpful.

3.       Don’t charge into the family home as soon as the family arrives from the hospital without asking if that is the new parents’ desire.  Often new families prefer to have a private homecoming…to have that moment of coming home as a family be unique to them. 

4.       Don’t criticize Dad’s shortcomings about how to handle a baby.  All new parents need figure it out.  After all, he doesn’t know who this new person is.  He has been waiting a whole pregnancy to finally meet this little one.  Give him time to build a relationship. 

5.       Realize that Dad’s return to work will be challenging for him.  Just as many new mothers are torn about returning to work, Dad can be too.  He may be ambivalent in that he wants to stay home and be a part of the process but also feeling relieved to be at work to get a break from the pressure of figuring out the new routines and responsibilities (and the resulting guilt that may also be present.)

6.       Offer to babysit or provide other care…date night for the new parents is very important!

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Do you remember being a child and jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time?  You were probably not sure what would happen, whether you would sink or swim.   Could you be brave enough to take the leap, even though you weren’t sure  it was the right thing for you to do?  For many, first jumps are to be celebrated…a perfect cannonball, a quick  resurface and a dog paddle to the edge to try it again.  However, there are those that jump in and sink a little too low, take in  water, feel pressure and the fear of not being able to breathe. The latter is  what it feels like when you are in a life situation where you are confused, feel  internally trapped and needing escape.

 I have built a strong practice on helping couples cope and  process through when one or both partners begins to identify as gay, lesbian,  bisexual or transgendered (GLBT).   The impact of such a realization cannot be underestimated.  Both partners will go through a myriad of emotions, not limited to grief, sorrow, anger, rage, embarrassment, fear, depression, hope, liberation, and a  re-identification of oneself. 

For the person coming out, she or he may or may  not have had an understanding of their sexual identity all long.   Some people only begin to realize a changing sexual identity later in  life.  Many of these clients are concerned that they have lived a lie, or that others will think they have lied  to them.  There are concerns about  how to live a more authentic life and to bring fulfillment to themselves without  causing additional negative feelings to the people they love.   We spend countless hours talking about how to balance their own emerging needs with the consistent and new needs of their families – and how their family structure can and will change.  If children of any age are involved, discussions about how to maintain the parenting role while being honest with children who will undoubtedly have very personal questions will happen.
 
For the spouse of the person coming out, it is important to talk through the meaning of this new information. It is often so hard to realize that many seemingly good marriages may end as a result of a partner coming out and there  is nothing
another can do to “convince”a partner that it doesn’t matter.  Left spouses often feel deserted,  betrayed, a sense of failure and true loss.  Helping a left spouse work through the  complications of a crisis of identity and reemerge strong, vibrant and able to have a meaningful relationship will take time, but is certainly possible. 

We live a new and different world than we did  just five years ago.  What it means  to be GLBT in today’s world has different
implications.  One’s sexual identity is not a reflection on anyone but the  individual.  Being in a  relationship with someone who comes out does not reflect on your orientation or ability to be an effective and meaningful relationship partner.  Obviously, each relationship and situation must be understood with its  own unique facts and personalities; however, each relationship has the ability to transform and bring meaning to all.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Everyone wants to be a winner! Everyone likes to be right…right? Unfortunately, these two things aren’t the same thing and don’t always go together. Do you ever find yourself in an argument with your partner or friend and you are pushing to make sure they see your point and understand why you are right and they are wrong? Tempers and decibels start to rise and you are left
confused on how you ended up sleeping on the couch.

Here is the challenge: can you win and not be right? Yes! But, it requires you to change your definition of what it means to win. Being right means that you are being accurate. It is about finding a fact or truth that isn’t disputable. If the issue is subjective, it is impossible to accurately be right if others are allowed to have their opinion.  Issues that are subjective are irrefutable.  There has to be space for everyone’s unique thoughts and opinions.


In many situations, accuracy isn’t important. Being right can leave you isolated. If you define winning as getting the outcome you want at end rather than in the moment, being right is secondary. For example, if you want to have a relationship with harmony, you don’t have to be right on every topic. Does it really matter if the newly painted bathroom wall color is aqua or teal? What do
you gain by correcting your spouse in front of others?

This doesn’t mean that you have to or should just roll over in every discussion. It is about being able to determine which issues are worth being assertive (not aggressive) because your opinion or thought can influence the outcome of a decision. Learning how to present your thoughts to your partner so that you leave enough room for others to have a difference of opinion,
experience or plan helps you win. Being able to look beyond the discussion at hand to what the resolution could look like will guide how to move forward.

 Let’s look at a simplified example:

 Partner A: “I want to hang out with my friends Friday night.”

Partner B: “I haven’t seen you all week! I thought we were having date night Friday night! (thinking – Don’t you care about our
relationship?)”

Partner A: “I work hard all week, I get to see you every day! I just want to hang with my friends for a few hours. I don’t see why you see that is such a problem. (thinking – Stop controlling me!)”

Partner B: walks off sulking.

In reality, there are two different conversations going on in this example. Partner A wants to reconnect with friends and simply wants Partner B to say “I understand hanging with your friends is important and you are feeling disconnected from them after working overtime this week.” Partner B just wants Partner A to say “I really value our relationship and want to spend time with you.” Can these two seemingly counter desires co-exist? Yes!

Let’s go through the example again:

Partner A: “My friends asked me to hang out Friday night. I really want to see them. Can we talk about how to make that happen?”

Partner B: “I was really hoping and expecting that we would spend Friday night together. We really haven’t had any quality time this week.”

Partner A: “I want that too. Can we talk about how to do both?”

Obviously, it usually isn’t this simple and easy but being able to look how to get to winning over being right and justified is what works to bring relationships together. Learning to talk with your partner to get to a mutual win takes new skill and knowledge.  When learning new skills, it often feels weird, uncomfortable and embarrassing.  But like all new skills, if you
stick with it, practice brings new ability. 

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

In my practice I meet with many folks who discuss their frustration with partners, co-workers, children and friends because they are being quite clear in their communication and the other person has a completely inappropriate response.  I hear things like “I was quite clear when I said….” and “He knows exactly what I meant!”  In return, these folks get angry and say things like “Well, what he said was…” and “She actually used those words!” 

It is completely understandable that relationships, no matter how strong, can be challenged by basic communication.  This is because basic communication is anything but basic.  As children we are taught vocabulary.  We are never taught how to communicate.  In school, we are given vocabulary tests, not communication quizzes.   We have to learn how to take the ever increasing list of vocabulary words we know to string them together to make concepts and thoughts so that others can understand what is going on in our heads.  We learn this by watching our families and how they communicate, hanging out with our friends and what patterns we can see through television and other media, but it is all inferred rather that taught.  We are then set out on the world to be great communicators.  If someone has a poor vocabulary, they are deemed to be poor communicators and judgments are made about their intelligence or mental acuity.  If someone’s vocabulary is too developed, they are deemed to be stuffy or haughty.  So what is right? 

Being a good communicator is more than just managing a satisfactory vocabulary.  Communication is a hard strategic skill that is the basis for all successful relationships.  This is a skill that takes enormous focus, practice and guidance.  To be a successful communicator, you have to be able to look beyond the actual words that are being spoken and find the intent of the message your partner is trying to tell you.  (“I know he said “ABC” but what was he really trying to tell you?”)  Being able to decipher the real message is a challenging and time consuming process.  However, it is easier and faster to try to get to the real message than to try to recover from a bad argument! This can be done by speaking from the “I” perspective and being curious about your partner.   Only speaking from your own experience, understanding, and perspective brings its own unique hardships because you must forgo any judgments about your partner.  Let’s face it…once you say to your partner “You are so close minded!” what reactions can your partner have?  “AM NOT!” or “So are you!”  it instantly puts your partner on the defensive.  How does anyone win after that? To engage your partner, use the greatest relationship gift…curiosity.  Be curious about your partner.  Ask questions.  (Don’t interrogate or interview!)  Wonder about his or her experience and thoughts.  Using curiosity is a difficult skill to master because it requires you to put your partner at ease so he or she can feel safe opening up and talking about what real issues may be lurking underneath. 

So many people try to figure out why men and women are so different (and why are we so alike in so many ways!) Gender science looks at how men and women develop, communicate and relate. Understanding what it means in practical reality can be confusing!

Let’s open with a caveat to avoid stereotypes. Not all men and women are the same. But looking at traits that are generally associated with men and women allow us to understand why some couples might have difficulties in understanding and communicating with each other. Okay, with that understanding, let’s assume that there is a continuum that runs from testosterone dominance (classic male behavior) to estrogen dominance (classic female behavior):

                                        Testosterone Dominant <—————————————> Estrogen Dominant

Everyone is somewhere along the continuum. Let’s even presume that most males are more on the testosterone dominant side and most women are on the estrogen dominant side. However men can be estrogen dominant and women can be testosterone dominant. This can affect the style, not the capacity, of partners as they try to communicate and relate. The role of communication is different based on where on the continuum one is.

Estrogen dominant people get high talking about feelings. They talk to connect. It is a way to build a bridge to another person and gratification is sought through participation in processing verbally and nonverbally. Sometimes these folks will talk to talk because there is silence and the lack of active connection can be uncomfortable. Intimacy is achieved through participation. You are paying attention to me and I am paying attention to you. We are engaging.

Testosterone dominant individuals must connect to talk. Simply being in the same space or watching a television show together quietly can be a form of intimacy. Talking is a purposeful activity and when that purpose is achieved, there is no more reason to speak. That doesn’t mean that a lack of interest or lack of intimacy is present. Intimacy is achieved through proximity. We are here together, sharing our time and space.

So what does this mean for couples? I often sit with couples who will talk about communication problems because one partner wants to talk and process while the other seems disinterested or doesn’t have anything to say. Couples begin see communication in general break down because one partner closes off completely and the other partner “chases” for connection. They begin to criticize each other and feel put upon or they begin to feel that they can’t be good enough to meet their partner’s demands. It is important to remember that behind every criticism is a desire. He is so closed off! (I want him to talk to me!)  She nags me all the time! (I just want to have a quiet night at home and relax with my partner!)

This often extends to how couples try to make things better. Estrogen dominant partners want to discuss and apologize. The participation is what makes the healing happen. Testosterone dominant partners want a change in behavior – the ability to rewind and do it better (without having to rehash and discuss the problem). As you can imagine, moving forward can be quite challenging!

Couples that are able to strengthen their relationships often tie into these ideas and gain greater insight into their partner’s communication style. Estrogen dominant partners begin to see participation through activity as well as verbal communication; nonverbal emotion becomes as important as stated emotion. Testosterone dominant partners begin to understand the importance of eye contact and more expressed communication. Understanding communication styles and being able to internalize the message that each partner is giving is a real challenge. It takes time, trust and real commitment.