Divorce isn’t easy on anyone.  When you are getting divorced with children, trying to minimize the amount of change and disruption can be overwhelming.  Children will often have core fears and concerns which may include:
  - What will happen  to me?
  - Where will we live?
  - Who will be in my family now?

Trying to figure out where to live, who is moving out, how to split your household goods and having your children see their home being dismantled can be traumatizing.  Then comes the more arduous task of creating a parenting/custody arrangement that is meaningful for everyone.  Reducing the amount of change and disruption will be easier on everyone involved.  If you and your ex-partner have a reasonably amicable relationship, one option that you may consider during separation is “nesting”.  
 
Nesting is where the children stay in the family home and the parents take turns coming in and out according to the parenting schedule.  Think of it as the kids have custody of the parents who come home and then go to the other house!  Nesting is not for everyone and is fraught with difficulties, but when the situation works, there are great benefits. Also consider that nesting may
not be a permanent solution but may help during the early months of the separation to reduce the amount of change that is happening at once.  

Here is a short list of things to consider:

1.  Being very clear on who has time at the family home will be important. There should be no unexpected drop by visits or requests for the other parent to come manage things in the home during their off time.  If you are the parent that is scheduled to be in the family home, you are on duty – if you aren’t…you are off duty!

2. Will you have a small apartment as the second home or will each of you find your own place to be when you are not at the family home?  Budget may very well determine what you can arrange.  If you are sharing the second home, what are the guidelines for privacy and use of that space?  Will you share anything above rent?  Can you entertain in this space?  Will
you share a bedroom or will you get a two bedroom for privacy purposes? 
 
3.  If you couldn’t change/influence your partner when you were together, you have even less ability to do so now.  Do you feel that you LIKE this person enough to continue sharing these responsibilities?

4. Be sure that clear agreements are in place ahead of time. How will the basics of the family home be managed?  How are
groceries and basic needs taken care of?  Is all food in the house fair game or are each of you responsible for the cost of “life” when you are on duty? How are hand-offs and situations relayed to each other so that there are no major disruptions as
the parents switch roles?

5. Will you bring the children to the other house?  It will be important for the children to know that you are safe and happy
when you are away from the house.  Even if the other home is small and sparse, seeing pictures of themselves will make the children feel comforted.  
 
6. How long are you planning on nesting?  Nesting can be a viable option during the separation process.  However, it can be quite complicated once the parents move onto other relationships.  At some point, the nesting arrangement won’t work for the parents.  Going into a nesting relationship with shorter term agreements will allow for the type of flexibility needed to grow through separation. 
 
7.  How will you know this is working?  It is recommended to schedule review meetings to discuss how to refine the arrangement
once it is set up.  Being able to resolve concerns and challenges is what will make nesting work for all parties. 

If you are considering nesting as an option for managing your parenting arrangement during separation, be sure to be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t manage. While nesting can be a wonderful way to ease your family through
transition, it can also add to the complications if not done well.  If you would like to talk more about separation/divorce, parenting or the nesting option, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.  
 

Divorce is never easy on anyone.  When you have children, it is even more  complex.  How you make decisions  to navigate the divorce process and ensure your children are as insulated as  possible will take special insight and a tremendous amount of personal  resiliency. 

Children are thrown for a loop when they realize their current  living situation is changing.  If  the marriage has been contentious, there may be feelings of relief for children  that the fighting will start to lessen. If the separation is amicable, confusion may be the emotion children are  experiencing – If you get along, why  aren’t you staying married?  In  any case, helping children navigate through the myriad of emotions, changes and  challenges – while you are trying to cope with your own – is often the most  difficult of all phases of separation and  divorce.

It is often helpful to have some simple rules for how to navigate  the minefield that is experienced by parents during this time. 
 
Rule 1:   Love your children more than you are angry at your ex.  Going through divorce will inevitably leave you with a swirling ocean of emotions.  If you are not careful, you will be driven by your anger, sadness, bitterness or fear from the proceedings and changes that result from the separation.  Remember that you love your children and want to prioritize them and their well-being -- which should take inform how you respond to the difficulties with your ex.


Rule 2.  The divorce is for you…everything else is for the  children.   During this time of change, remember that you and
your spouse are  making decisions (and have been making decisions for quite a while) that led to  the divorce.  Whether you want the  divorce or not, the children have no say in what is happening. So, while you manage the divorce process so that it is the best it can be for you, remember to focus the rest of your attention on the emotional and  physical needs of your children.  These needs may be very different than what you are normally used to, so  be on the lookout for changes and needs that are
new.  This also means that the children should not be party to discussion regarding why the separation is happening, the status of divorce or assets or other adult conversations.  If children ask, remind them that those conversations are between the adults and you will share with them information that is pertinent for them.

Rule  3:   The children need to have a relationship with both parents.  No matter what you think about your soon to be ex-partner, your children need to have a meaningful and connected  relationship to him/her.    Just as your children are a part  of you, they are a part of our ex-partner.  Children internalize their parents’  personas as their own.  If they  hear/think that their parent is a negative person, then on some level they must  be a negative person as well.   Being able to create a schedule of visitation and care (assuming there is  no documented risk/threat) for both parents will be most meaningful for the
children.  This also means that you  shouldn’t be bad mouthing the other parent or allowing friends/family to bad  mouth the other parent when the children are physically in your location.  Remember, even if children are not in  the room – they have radar ears!!

Rule 4:   Don’t overstep.  When  the parenting schedule is decided, adhere to it.  Children need structure on a good  day…it becomes critical during times of change and upheaval.   When the children are with you, it is your time to parent them.  When the children are with your ex, it  is his/her time to parent them.  Don't overstep into their parenting time.  If the children call or try to reach  out to you during the time they are away, remind them that it is their time with  their other parent.  If you feel  the need, ask to speak with the other parent (as calmly as possible!!) to help  resolve any issue.  Don’t offer to  race over to pick up the children or tell them they can come home until you have spoken to the other parent.  (Remember, you wouldn’t want that done to  you, and the children need to have a relationship with both parents!)

Rule 5:   Model! While no divorce  is a happy event, it is a good opportunity for you to model for your children  how to act with dignity, grace and self-respect in the face of hardship.  While what you say is important, how  you act is what your children will remember.  If you are angry, sad or ambivalent, it is okay to express these emotions in front of your children as long as you
are  not over emoting.  If your children are starting to feel responsible for your feelings or feel they have to side  with one parent
over the other, they are the ones being injured. Show them that  you can have strong feelings about what is happening, but can still be a mature adult, who is in control of themself and act with dignity.  
 
If you are facing any of these challenges and need additional  support or guidance, contact Elliott through this webpage
or by telephone at  617-834-4235.

 Have you ever been in a relationship (whether romantic or  platonic) and felt frustration about how things were going -- wishing the other  person would behave differently? You have tried being nice, coaching them to  change (whether they knew it or not) and spent hours considering how impossible  it is that someone couldn’t notice how inappropriate and unsatisfying their  behavior is?  We have all  experienced it.  Sometimes we can  just let it go and sometimes it gets so bad we find ourselves in a divorce,
looking for a new job or estranged from a friend or loved one. 

People try all kinds of tactics to get other people to change. If  you are trying to force or prompt change for someone else, you might as well  spend your time trying to nail jello to a wall.  Don’t despair…there is hope for  improved relationships!  There are
seven options that you have.  Only seven.  Here are your options:

 1.      Ignore  the person or situation – This works in very short term situations. Sometimes just buttoning up and going with it can save a relationship.  This is best done when the problem is situational and there is no higher value or importance within the  difficulty.  If there is an important value being challenged, this is not the right  option.  
 
2.     Try to change the person or situation – Anyone that has tried this approach knows that there is little to be gained from it. We have little to no power over others. People only change on their own accord, for their own reasons and in  their own time.  
  
3.     Change your attitude/perspective – We have power over how we think and how we look at different situations.  Often we  default to a particular lens or perspective because that is comfortable.  However, if we slow down and think through a relationship or situation, we potentially could see it differently, with different meaning.  
  
4.   Change your behavior – Like our attitude and perspectives, we have the power to change our behavior.  In the beginning, new behaviors may feel awkward or unnatural, but with practice we can improve how we approach others and manage our own
stress.
 
5.    Change your attitude/perspective and your behavior – Imagine the possibilities!  By taking time and energy to change the way we think and act, we have the power to really affect the outcomes of our relationships!
 
6.     Pretend you have changed – There are situations when this option can work.  If the situation/person is a short term  engagement and you “just need to get through it”, then “fake it until you make it”. Also, this option works if you are actually trying to change.  Sometimes pretending we have new skills helps us to focus on trying them out until they feel natural.  
  
7.   Leave  – In times of danger, this is always the best option.   However, if leaving seems like the right choice just because it is easy, think what other options might bring more meaningful results.  
 
Think through your options.  Obviously, each situation is different and needs to be considered on its own merits. To learn more about how to use these seven options, contact Elliott Kronenfeld through this website or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com  
 


 

Bringing a new baby into the family is an exciting time.  We celebrate the newness of life and have hope for the future.  People are curious about the delivery and the birth story.  Parents are excited and siblings are cautious (at best). 

As everyone swoops in to celebrate the new mother with flowers and wishes for a speedy recovery it is important to pause for a moment and remember the Dad Factor (or the other Mom Factor in lesbian couples).  While initially, there are enough congratulations to go around, the focus inevitably ends on the person who gave birth.  It is important to remember the role the non-gestating parent plays. 

When I work with my parents-to-be, I always remind them that “they” are pregnant.  Even though only one of them has the “joy” of carrying the baby pre-term, they both have important roles to play from the time the baby is conceived.  The investment of both parents starts at that very early time in the process.

Whether it is taking on additional house duties, rubbing lower backs or just deepening personal patience during hormonal flights of fury, the Dad to be is experiencing his portion of the pregnancy.  His excitement, worry, lack of confidence, dreams, etc, are all just as real and important. 

Unfortunately, our society – while having improved – still doesn’t value the Dad role as equally as the Mom role.  Dads don’t get equitable paternity leave from most companies and most Dads don’t take the little paternity leave they are offered!  Many marketing and social constructs are still geared only to Moms and not "parents" or "Moms and Dads".  Until our society moves away from the solid male breadwinner/female caregiver stereotypes, Dads face an uphill battle in having their experience as new parents valued. 

While we need to still push for equal family leave, there are several things we can do as individuals to ensure that Dad (or other Mom) gets their needs met.

1.       Remember there are two parents.  Be sure to ask about the experience of both parents.  Dad will have his own version of the birth story.  After all, watching the person you love go through the experience of childbirth and seeing your child take their first breath fundamentally changes you.  Be sure to acknowledge and celebrate Dad’s experience as much as Mom’s.

2.       Be mindful that midnight feedings, diaper changes, and changes in routine affect the whole family.  Ask Dad his opinion on what would be helpful.

3.       Don’t charge into the family home as soon as the family arrives from the hospital without asking if that is the new parents’ desire.  Often new families prefer to have a private homecoming…to have that moment of coming home as a family be unique to them. 

4.       Don’t criticize Dad’s shortcomings about how to handle a baby.  All new parents need figure it out.  After all, he doesn’t know who this new person is.  He has been waiting a whole pregnancy to finally meet this little one.  Give him time to build a relationship. 

5.       Realize that Dad’s return to work will be challenging for him.  Just as many new mothers are torn about returning to work, Dad can be too.  He may be ambivalent in that he wants to stay home and be a part of the process but also feeling relieved to be at work to get a break from the pressure of figuring out the new routines and responsibilities (and the resulting guilt that may also be present.)

6.       Offer to babysit or provide other care…date night for the new parents is very important!

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

What do you do when you have the thing you want  the most and you should be happy but you are miserable? How do you respond when everyone tells you that you “must be so happy!” and you really just want to lie in your bed with the blinds closed? 
You know….those moments that you sit there and think, “I can’t wait for this to be over!”

 Most people idealize the concept of pregnancy.  We expect pregnant women to “glow”, want to nest and turn into some earth-goddess-mother creation.  For many women, that is exactly what happens.  They have easy pregnancies, feel energetic, have complication-free deliveries and look forward to being pregnant again.  Sadly, this isn’t the case for a lot of women.  There are many women who spend their pregnancy praying at the porcelain throne, gagging as they force themselves to eat, feel the bottom drop out as their energy slams into the basement and the only glow they experience is from the TV because they can’t get sleep…and then they feel guilty for not being the “glorious mother-to-be” that everyone expects them to be. 
 
So…the purpose of this little discussion is not to scare anyone, but rather to set some appropriate expectations.  It would be ideal if every pregnancy was a joyful ride to post-partum, but some just are not.  If you are experiencing a pregnancy that is less than ideal…it is okay.  If you are feeling less than joyful…it is okay.  You have permission to not love pregnancy. In fact, you have permission to really, REALLY dislike it!  There. I said it.  You have the right to be a normal, pregnant person and not enjoy the process without it making you a bad person or an unfit mother.  After all, the goal is not to be pregnant.  The goal is to have a healthy baby that you can love and nurture.  The pregnancy phase is the work that you do to get to the end prize!  
 
How you experience pregnancy will have no reflection on how you will parent, love your child and provide for his or her needs.  However, your ability to have good self-care and release yourself from judgment will be an indicator on how you can affect the challenges of pregnancy.  Be kind to yourself.  Talk to your partner, family and support system.  Don’t listen to negative commentary about what you should be doing and feeling at this phase. Know that your pregnancy is completely unique and should not be compared to anyone else’s (even your own if this isn’t your first.)  If you can, exercise…even a small walk in the sunshine can help.  Remember, the goal isn’t to have a perfect pregnancy.  The goal is to have  a healthy baby. 
 
If you would like to know more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him on this site. 

Do you remember being a child and jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time?  You were probably not sure what would happen, whether you would sink or swim.   Could you be brave enough to take the leap, even though you weren’t sure  it was the right thing for you to do?  For many, first jumps are to be celebrated…a perfect cannonball, a quick  resurface and a dog paddle to the edge to try it again.  However, there are those that jump in and sink a little too low, take in  water, feel pressure and the fear of not being able to breathe. The latter is  what it feels like when you are in a life situation where you are confused, feel  internally trapped and needing escape.

 I have built a strong practice on helping couples cope and  process through when one or both partners begins to identify as gay, lesbian,  bisexual or transgendered (GLBT).   The impact of such a realization cannot be underestimated.  Both partners will go through a myriad of emotions, not limited to grief, sorrow, anger, rage, embarrassment, fear, depression, hope, liberation, and a  re-identification of oneself. 

For the person coming out, she or he may or may  not have had an understanding of their sexual identity all long.   Some people only begin to realize a changing sexual identity later in  life.  Many of these clients are concerned that they have lived a lie, or that others will think they have lied  to them.  There are concerns about  how to live a more authentic life and to bring fulfillment to themselves without  causing additional negative feelings to the people they love.   We spend countless hours talking about how to balance their own emerging needs with the consistent and new needs of their families – and how their family structure can and will change.  If children of any age are involved, discussions about how to maintain the parenting role while being honest with children who will undoubtedly have very personal questions will happen.
 
For the spouse of the person coming out, it is important to talk through the meaning of this new information. It is often so hard to realize that many seemingly good marriages may end as a result of a partner coming out and there  is nothing
another can do to “convince”a partner that it doesn’t matter.  Left spouses often feel deserted,  betrayed, a sense of failure and true loss.  Helping a left spouse work through the  complications of a crisis of identity and reemerge strong, vibrant and able to have a meaningful relationship will take time, but is certainly possible. 

We live a new and different world than we did  just five years ago.  What it means  to be GLBT in today’s world has different
implications.  One’s sexual identity is not a reflection on anyone but the  individual.  Being in a  relationship with someone who comes out does not reflect on your orientation or ability to be an effective and meaningful relationship partner.  Obviously, each relationship and situation must be understood with its  own unique facts and personalities; however, each relationship has the ability to transform and bring meaning to all.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Everyone wants to be a winner! Everyone likes to be right…right? Unfortunately, these two things aren’t the same thing and don’t always go together. Do you ever find yourself in an argument with your partner or friend and you are pushing to make sure they see your point and understand why you are right and they are wrong? Tempers and decibels start to rise and you are left
confused on how you ended up sleeping on the couch.

Here is the challenge: can you win and not be right? Yes! But, it requires you to change your definition of what it means to win. Being right means that you are being accurate. It is about finding a fact or truth that isn’t disputable. If the issue is subjective, it is impossible to accurately be right if others are allowed to have their opinion.  Issues that are subjective are irrefutable.  There has to be space for everyone’s unique thoughts and opinions.


In many situations, accuracy isn’t important. Being right can leave you isolated. If you define winning as getting the outcome you want at end rather than in the moment, being right is secondary. For example, if you want to have a relationship with harmony, you don’t have to be right on every topic. Does it really matter if the newly painted bathroom wall color is aqua or teal? What do
you gain by correcting your spouse in front of others?

This doesn’t mean that you have to or should just roll over in every discussion. It is about being able to determine which issues are worth being assertive (not aggressive) because your opinion or thought can influence the outcome of a decision. Learning how to present your thoughts to your partner so that you leave enough room for others to have a difference of opinion,
experience or plan helps you win. Being able to look beyond the discussion at hand to what the resolution could look like will guide how to move forward.

 Let’s look at a simplified example:

 Partner A: “I want to hang out with my friends Friday night.”

Partner B: “I haven’t seen you all week! I thought we were having date night Friday night! (thinking – Don’t you care about our
relationship?)”

Partner A: “I work hard all week, I get to see you every day! I just want to hang with my friends for a few hours. I don’t see why you see that is such a problem. (thinking – Stop controlling me!)”

Partner B: walks off sulking.

In reality, there are two different conversations going on in this example. Partner A wants to reconnect with friends and simply wants Partner B to say “I understand hanging with your friends is important and you are feeling disconnected from them after working overtime this week.” Partner B just wants Partner A to say “I really value our relationship and want to spend time with you.” Can these two seemingly counter desires co-exist? Yes!

Let’s go through the example again:

Partner A: “My friends asked me to hang out Friday night. I really want to see them. Can we talk about how to make that happen?”

Partner B: “I was really hoping and expecting that we would spend Friday night together. We really haven’t had any quality time this week.”

Partner A: “I want that too. Can we talk about how to do both?”

Obviously, it usually isn’t this simple and easy but being able to look how to get to winning over being right and justified is what works to bring relationships together. Learning to talk with your partner to get to a mutual win takes new skill and knowledge.  When learning new skills, it often feels weird, uncomfortable and embarrassing.  But like all new skills, if you
stick with it, practice brings new ability. 

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

If you are a gay man, woman or couple who is considering adding children to your life, this is an exciting time!  There are more and more examples of  gay men and women who are becoming parents through methods other than through  previous heterosexual relationships.  How to achieve this dream, can be  overwhelming without a lot of information and forethought.
 
There are several decisions to be made as you begin your process to  parenthood.  Here is a list of some, but not all, of the topics to be  discussed:

1. How out are you?  Do you feel comfortable with everyone knowing that  you are GLBTQQI?  The truth of the matter is that being a gay parent  requires that you find a sense of normalcy within your family/community.  Children will talk about their family and home.  Descretion is a learned  skill!  When you can normalize your sexual orientation and relationship,  you children will take your lead.  If you are uncomfortable with people knowing that you are not heterosexual, your children will internalize your concerns.
2. How will your social supports change?  Do you know lots of people with children or are you the first in your social circle to bring children into your  life?  Many first time parents are shocked when some social friends are not as welcoming of children as others.  Can you imagine yourself making new  friends in the tot lot?  Who do you think they will be?  What will that mean to you?
3. What is the role of biology?  Are you considering using your own biology (surrogacy, IVF, insemination, etc) or are you planning for  adoption?  What does it mean when one partner is genetically linked to a child but the other partner isn’t?  Will you need a sperm or egg  donor?  How will you choose?  If you choose adoption, what is the role your child’s birth family?  Understanding the difference between biological  parent and Mother/Father is an important distinction.
4. How will you manage your financial planning.  As openly gay parents to be, the cost of bringing a child into your life can range from a few hundred dollars to well over $100,000.  What process works best for you, and how you pay for it, needs to be considered as you decide to move forward.  Each process has its own benefits and challenges.  Make sure you understand the what is required and how much each step costs!
5. What legal protections will you need?  Based on where you live, your marital status and the biological root of your child will determine what legal processes you will need to preserve the appropriate protections for every member of your family.

There are many more considerations to ponder.  Be sure to talk to a specialist who understands the route to building a gay/lesbian/trans family.  Regardless of what route is best for you, be sure to think long term (What impact will these early decisions have on my child/family years from now?  What does my family look like when it is complete?) and keep as many
options on the table for as long as you can — you never know what the future brings!

As small children we role play as adults. We are explorers, teachers, doctors,  police officers, presidents. Most often we are mommies and daddies. Children are  socialized from the earliest moments to aspire to be like their parents and have  children of their own. Occasionally, as children grow up to adults, they decide  that they don’t want children, and that is a fine decision. However, for those  that want children and have difficulty having them, it is a devastating reality. 

This reality forces us to redefine our sense of self…our very identity. In turn, this can produce a sense of loss – mourning the future that we thought was ours.  While there may still be options, the story book ideal of the magical pregnancy, created and shared in love is shattered as medical professionals, family and  friends begin to weigh in and discuss the most intimate aspects of your life.

 No two people ever experience infertility the same the way. This is an extremely personal journey. Often, those living with infertility feel like the only person on the planet and that no one would understand, even those closest  to them. If you (and your partner) are living with infertility for any reason, the first step is to have a full medical work up by a fertility specialist. It is also extremely important to ensure that you have adequate emotional supports which may include a therapist who specializes in fertility issues.

Infertility can have many root causes such as medical diagnosis/treatment, loss of reproductive organs, unexplained infertility, multiple losses or simply due  to increased age. Often, a couple will be able to have an easy and successful  pregnancy and then struggle with secondary infertility (difficulty conceiving a  second or subsequent pregnancy). This can be particularly frustrating and  upsetting if the first pregnancy was so easy. Wanting to grow your family and  struggling to do so can pull focus from the rest of your life. If you are not  careful, you can become stagnated and begin struggle as you try to move  forward.

 Living with infertility can become isolating if not managed. Are you having difficulty attending baby showers or celebrations of others’ growing  families? Do you feel increased resentment or guilt? Do you find yourself  pulling away? It can be so difficult for others to understand that your sadness  is not in relationship to the happiness you feel for them, even though it may be
difficult for you to share it.

 Infertility can also cause marital woe. It is  important to remember that infertility does not happen to an individual person,
it happens to a couple. Often, one partner may feel guilty or can feel blamed.  It is important to be able to remain a unified team and to understand the root causes and possible solutions to your family building. Infertility can also  be a result of other medical conditions. In many situations, there is an option  of preserving your fertility before undergoing medical treatment. It is  important to ask your medical care team if your fertility is at risk and what options are available to you prior to treatment. There are many solutions to infertility, including ones that you may not have thought about yet. Keep hope.  Seek resources. Take good care of yourself!