So often couples come to see me in great frustration because each partner thinks the other is trying to fix them or control them.  This behavior comes out in a variety of ways… often intended to be helpful or focused on making the relationship better.  However, it often results in anger and disconnect.  Partners report feeling misunderstood and begin to feel justified when their helping ways are questioned.  They say things like “If you would only listen to me…” and “I told you so...” and “Don’t feel that way baby….”

In my couples’ work, I see couples trying to “help” one another.  The helping comes in many forms.  It may be the attempt to constantly do for the other or be present for the other.  It may be seen in trying to take away one’s difficult or challenging feelings.  It may even happen in one’s own head in the form of restricting conversation because it may be too challenging for the other person.  One of the first rules I try to get everyone to agree to in the couples therapy process is the “No Helping” rule.  There is no more helping.  Period. 
When we “help” each other there are many inherent assumptions, such as:  I know better than you do, You can’t handle this without me, You are weak and need my support to get through this, I am more capable than you are, You are so stuck.  Additionally, this form of helping prohibits our partner from growing and learning through the opportunity to manage something challenging.  In reality, we take away their autonomy to problem solve.  We often learn best when we struggle with a difficult concept or problem.  Having the ability to do that often means that we need some time and space to work at it without interference.

As with any rule, there are exceptions.  With this rule there two:  If help is offered and accepted or if help is requested and agreed to be provided.  These exceptions must be very clearly stated.  Once help is initiated, it is not carte blanche to start “helping” all over the place.  Help is specific.  It is agreed upon.  It is not open-ended.  For example, “Can you help me by taking the groceries from the car into the kitchen?”  This request does not invite anyone to start meal planning, salting the stew or other forms of “helping”.

If you are working through how to connect in your relationship and set healthy boundaries, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or Elliott@insightbrookline.com

There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late.  I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted.  Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.

While having one of these conversations, I asked a couple what the difference was between “Preferences” and “Boundaries”.  This sounds like a simple question, but it isn’t.  They struggled to come up with a clear and concise difference.  I suggested that a preference is a desire – something that we want or how we want something to be.   A boundary is a clearly delineated point that is negotiated and agreed upon that will not be crossed.

So, if use football as a point of reference (and it is okay if you are not a football fan…stay with me for a second…).  The field has a thick white line that goes around the field of play.  Both teams understand (because the rule has been clearly articulated and agreed upon) that no play happens when a player touches the white line.  When a player goes into that space the player is “out of bounds”.  Play stops.  There may or may not be a penalty, but the game is reset and continues on the field.  The team with the ball may prefer to keep running down the white line so they can score, but they can’t. 

So it is with our relationships.  We have to have clearly defined boundaries.  They may or may not be based on our preferences, but they are negotiated and agreed upon.  They are resolute until they are renegotiated. Our behaviors are then held accountable to those boundaries.  We let our preferences rule our behaviors until we come up against the boundary that we each agreed to.  When behaviors cross the boundary, a reset must happen in order for the relationship to continue "on the field".  In other words, the healthiest relationships have the clearest boundaries!

If you are looking to improve connection in your relationship or learn how to establish health boundaries, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

The other day I was asked what would allow someone to achieve their goals when they seem to be so far away.  My immediate gut-level reaction was “bravery”.  It was not the answer the other person was expecting.  I began exploring how others experienced bravery and their ability to recognize it in themselves. 
 
The most common definition that people came up with was that bravery is when you act without any assurance of an outcome in a situation that has great personal value for you.  Take a moment and reflect on this definition.  How does it apply to you?  Can you remember a time when you had to take action for something that was important to you…without a guarantee that you would get what you want in the way you wanted?  Perhaps you experienced this in a personal and intimate relationship.  It might have been in a professional engagement.  Bravery can be present when you face your fears.  Sometimes bravery is present in the simplest of acts, such as getting out of bed when you are in the depths of grief and mourning. 
 
Go back to that time when you were brave.  What did you experience?  How did you feel it in your body?  How did your thoughts organize?  What did it take for you to take action?  Regardless of outcome, what was your experience when you got to the other side of the experience?
 
One of my greatest challenges is heights.  I hate them.  I feel out of control and my heart races, my breathing becomes shallow and my thoughts race.  I have made it a personal mission to see if I can conquer this challenge by experiencing bravery.  Here you can see me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.  It took me 5 visits to make it to the top.  The view is breathtaking. 
 
If you are looking to tap into your bravery to accomplish your goals, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235.

Today the United States Supreme Court handed down a ruling that stated that marriage is no longer permitted to be solely between one man and one woman in this country.  When the news hit the wires, I was in that rare moment between clients when I get to see what is actually happening in the outside world beyond the safe confines of my room.  My browser exploded with messages from friends, family and colleagues about their reactions to this moment.

For a brief moment I was overjoyed and the celebratory at all the opportunity that so many would be able to avail themselves of.  I thought of all the work and diligence that so many committed themselves to in the journey to equality.  And then, reality set in.  In my waiting room, was my next appointment.   

My next appointment was a 52 year old man that I have seen for more than two years.  When he first came to me, he had suicidal ideation, addiction and no desire to continue living.  We have made amazing advancements in his care and wellbeing.  The root of his psychiatric challenge has formed in his absolute shame and guilt for identifying as a gay man.  When he entered my office this afternoon, I asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.  I was excited to tell him that being gay and in a loving relationship was being recognized across this nation.  His reaction was grounding. 

He looked at me and asked what any of that had to do with him.  He still couldn’t understand why he was gay and how anyone could ever love him.    It was a sobering moment.  Our work as practitioners allows us to experience the amazing moments in our clients’ lives.  We see grow, understanding and acceptance.  And, in moments like this, they teach us.   

While I will continue to celebrate this landmark decision and be ever grateful for the shoulders of others that families like mine get to stand on, I will not forget the rest of the work that is still to be done.  Just because people can legally marry, does not prepare people for the complex journey they can now take.  Our work will continue to focus on helping others learn to love themselves, be able to love others and accept love – this is the continuing work in mind, head, body and spirit.   If you are struggling with your sexual identity or what marriage means in your life, contact Elliott at Elliott@insightbrookline.com or 617-834-4235.

We work hard to get the job.  We interview as best we can.  We get the job.  But, how often do we really get a good job description.  I am talking about the job of partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, wife.  More people sit in my office and say things like "S/he is just never happy...no matter what I do!" or "S/he keeps pushing me away and I don't know why!"

For those folks that know how to apply for the job and get through the interview process (dating), many are often stumped when it comes to doing the actual job and then get upset when they get a bad performance review.  I am a strong advocate for couples
counseling when things are going well.  It is the time when there is enoughresiliency in the couple to have complex discussions about expectations, how to remove assumptions and explore areas of the relationship that might be intimidating during times of duress.  This is called getting the job escription. 

An important part of understanding the job description is figuring out what your role is and how it hanges.  You will play many roles for different aspects of your life together.  For example, when it comes to health care -- what does your artner expect from you and what are you trying to do?  There are three ore roles when it comes to health care:

1.  Care giver.  The care giver does just that -- gives care  It is the person who does your laundry, cooks your meals, ensures you et your medicine, gets you to your appointments, etc.  "Sweetheart, let me do that for you."

2.  Care manager.  A care manager does not do the day to day caregiving for you, but helps to set an expectation, create a plan and checks in to ensure that the plan is being followed.  "Honey, did you eat lunch today?

3. Care plan participant.  As part of the care plan, you need to know what is going on, understand diagnosis, prescriptions, etc, but having knowledge is your role.  If an emergency arises you can assist in sharing that information with critical care givers.  "Just so you know...."

As you can imagine, these roles shift and change over time and you may play elements from more than one.  The best way to truly understand what your role should be is to have an open discussion with your partner about what job they are offering
and what job you are willing to do. 

If you are looking to bring more clarity to your relationship, contact Elliott through this webpage or by calling 617-834-4235.

We are all leaders – in our own way.   Whether we are at work, with our friends or family or in a social organization, we are all leaders.  We may not be the stand in the front of the room and yell a rallying cry kind of leader, but we all influence others and leave an impact on those around us.  What kind of leader are you?

When patients come to see me about how to be  assertive in their lives, we often talk about their leadership skills.  I want to know how they come to influence others, what is most important to them? Leaders usually have a particular focus on how they see the world.  Understanding that focus often sharpens one’s awareness allows them to tap deeper into the well of leadership and assertiveness.  Let’s look at the options:

Rule -driven leadership:

Rule-driven leadership is about ensuring that you and others adhere to the stated or assumed rules of behavior.  When you find yourself looking at whether something is right or wrong, legal or illegal, you are utilizing rule-driven leadership.  It is about ensuring the playbook is followed.  After all, don’t we all have to follow the same rules?

Mission-driven leadership:

Mission-driven leadership is about goal attainment, usually at any cost. Get it done! Take the hill! Compete!  Sometimes we have to take those rules and throw them away so that we can win! Mission-driven leaders are the ones that are so focused on the goal and accomplishing it that they operate from a “it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission” mentality. 

Culture-driven leadership:

Culture-driven leadership is based on how we do things around here.  These are the leaders that are focused more on the community of the people and tapping into the sense of togetherness in order to see movement. We may not move as fast as the mission-driven folks, but at least we will ensure that everyone makes it to the finish line! When you hear people talking about that
is always the way we do it or looking to set rituals and traditions, they are culture-driven leaders.

All the leadership types can be successful.  One is not better than the other once you learn how to use those skills effectively. Some people can be a hybrid and combine skills based on the situation.  Whatever type of leader you are…be the best leader you can be!

If you are looking for personal development and want help creating a stronger personal voice, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through  this webpage.

When I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate.  We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words.  We begin to look at our assumptions.

All too often, it is the assumptions in a marriage that cause the greatest hurts and divides between two people.  Assumptions about a lot of things.  Assumptions about our partner's feelings.  Assumptions about our partner's motivations and intentions.  Assumptions about our partner's understandings. And, most damaging of all, assumptions of our partner's assumptions about our experience and take on a situation. 

People I work with can often get frustrated when I challenge them by asking them if what they are talking about is fact or assumption.  I mean, after all, if you have believed something for years and used that as your primary lens and modus operandi, wouldn't you be unsettled if you were asked to consider a whole new truth?   We get in the habit of checking truths before we move on.  So, we now have to ask...what is the truth?

This is a much more complex question than I can answer here, but suffice to say, the truth is whatever one person identifies as their own experience.  The assumptions and truths we are discussing are not about science or the color of the sky...it is about experience.  I experience pain, but you assume I am experiencing anger.  You experience loneliness and I assume you are experiencing jealousy. 

Being able to open the lines of communications in a relationship often takes a neutral third party who can help hold a lens and translate for a couple.  This does not mean the couple is in dire straights...it is about learning to communicate in new and more effective ways.

If you are in a relationship that is full of assumptions...and want those assumptions to leave your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.