There has been a common theme going in much of the work I have been doing with couples of late.  I am hearing folks coming in talking about how their partner responds to them in a way that makes them feel emotionally assaulted.  Often, these couples are well intentioned, loving, and looking for connection but for some reason they are having arguments that do not make sense.

While having one of these conversations, I asked a couple what the difference was between “Preferences” and “Boundaries”.  This sounds like a simple question, but it isn’t.  They struggled to come up with a clear and concise difference.  I suggested that a preference is a desire – something that we want or how we want something to be.   A boundary is a clearly delineated point that is negotiated and agreed upon that will not be crossed.

So, if use football as a point of reference (and it is okay if you are not a football fan…stay with me for a second…).  The field has a thick white line that goes around the field of play.  Both teams understand (because the rule has been clearly articulated and agreed upon) that no play happens when a player touches the white line.  When a player goes into that space the player is “out of bounds”.  Play stops.  There may or may not be a penalty, but the game is reset and continues on the field.  The team with the ball may prefer to keep running down the white line so they can score, but they can’t. 

So it is with our relationships.  We have to have clearly defined boundaries.  They may or may not be based on our preferences, but they are negotiated and agreed upon.  They are resolute until they are renegotiated. Our behaviors are then held accountable to those boundaries.  We let our preferences rule our behaviors until we come up against the boundary that we each agreed to.  When behaviors cross the boundary, a reset must happen in order for the relationship to continue "on the field".  In other words, the healthiest relationships have the clearest boundaries!

If you are looking to improve connection in your relationship or learn how to establish health boundaries, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235

I play many roles in my life.  Partner, father, therapist, teacher, business owner to name a few.  These roles keep me very busy and I often feel the crushing weight of responsibility on me.  Normally I manage it well and focus on meaningful self-care and attachment to positive people (just as I tell my patients to do!).  I am intentional and mindful of what I need to do to ensure that I am meeting the many requirements that are put on me. 
However, I have become acutely aware of late that I am feeling the pain of growing in all these sectors of my life.  As a father, my children are growing and becoming more independent.  They don’t need me in the same way and I have to learn to take a more hands off approach as they learn to take on more responsibility for their being.  I don’t want to do that.  It is painful. As a partner, I am aware that my relationship becomes more complicated as we take on greater responsibility for the future, retirement, aging parents, children that are preparing to launch.  We must learn to be different partners as our life changes.  This growth is often painful.  As a therapist and business owner, it is my responsibility to ensure that I am balancing the therapeutic and business aspects of my job.  Growing the practice to support the therapists and staff that work here, while maintaining a meaningful culture and desirable work place that translates into a desirable place for patients to come for comfort and insight is quite the balancing act.  Growing in this way is painful.  It is a lot to manage.  It is a lot to comprehend.  It is a lot of emotion and sometimes it just feels like too much.
I often find myself wanting the growing pains to go away, to just experience relaxation and respite.  This is when I have to remember to sit back and acknowledge that growth, while painful, is about transition.  The pain I feel during times of growth will not last forever.  It only lasts for a short period of time before things normalize again.  Remembering that change has a time-frame is helpful for me to stay focused and see things through to the end.  When I get to the end, I allow myself time to wallow in the glow of accomplishment, learning and insight that gained from the work. 
What are the areas of growth where you feel the most pain?  Is it your work? Is it your relationship? Is it your own identity as a person?  Being able to identify the areas of growth that you desire…and the accompanying growing pain is important in being able to manage and be successful.  If you are facing growing pains, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by phone at 617-834-4235617-834-4235.

The other day I was asked what would allow someone to achieve their goals when they seem to be so far away.  My immediate gut-level reaction was “bravery”.  It was not the answer the other person was expecting.  I began exploring how others experienced bravery and their ability to recognize it in themselves. 
 
The most common definition that people came up with was that bravery is when you act without any assurance of an outcome in a situation that has great personal value for you.  Take a moment and reflect on this definition.  How does it apply to you?  Can you remember a time when you had to take action for something that was important to you…without a guarantee that you would get what you want in the way you wanted?  Perhaps you experienced this in a personal and intimate relationship.  It might have been in a professional engagement.  Bravery can be present when you face your fears.  Sometimes bravery is present in the simplest of acts, such as getting out of bed when you are in the depths of grief and mourning. 
 
Go back to that time when you were brave.  What did you experience?  How did you feel it in your body?  How did your thoughts organize?  What did it take for you to take action?  Regardless of outcome, what was your experience when you got to the other side of the experience?
 
One of my greatest challenges is heights.  I hate them.  I feel out of control and my heart races, my breathing becomes shallow and my thoughts race.  I have made it a personal mission to see if I can conquer this challenge by experiencing bravery.  Here you can see me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.  It took me 5 visits to make it to the top.  The view is breathtaking. 
 
If you are looking to tap into your bravery to accomplish your goals, contact Elliott at elliott@insightbrookline.com or by calling 617-834-4235.

So many people start a therapy process because they want real change.  They want to change their relationship, their place in the world, their ability to cope with the things that stress them.  People don’t want a band-aid, they want to experience a different way of being.  When therapy is great, that is what people can experience.

However, once the work starts, many folks are stunned at what it takes to create change.  When they experience the real challenge, they may often feel they can’t rise to the occasion because they have to leave their comfort zone. 
I tell people all the time that change comes from messy.  When things are neat and easy, there is no need to change—why would you?  If life is working, stay put!  However, if you want to experience something different, you have to get a little messy and try something new, something challenging, something you haven’t done yet. 


This is when the therapy practice can get a little fun!  As a therapist, it is my role to help people learn how to be messy—and sometimes I take that job literally!  I recently told one of my patients who was seeking real change to allow herself to let go and get messy.  Don’t worry about staying in control all the time.  Let go and see what happens!  Then, I gave her finger paints and sent her home with instructions to let herself get messy! 

 
This beautiful work of art is the result of her letting herself go and expressing herself in a new way.  The images tell a story of what she was wanting and thinking of at the time.  After the exercise, she was able to understand what “getting messy” meant in new ways.  She is now allowing herself to lean into her discomfort and experience new things in her life. 

If you are looking to get messy (looking for real change), contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at elliott@insightbrookline.com. 

There are times when I forget.  I forget that I can do something. I forget that I have the power to influence and create change.  I forget that I have coping skills.  And, when I forget any of these things, I also forget how to find meaning and perspective.  I lose myself in the chaos and noise and see my skills begin to erode away.  When this happens the most important thing I can do is recenter myself, find my core and listen to the inner voice that guides me.  This challenge is often resolved when I find a labyrinth and walk with intention. 

Whenever I talk about the labyrinth, I get looks of confusion.  Why would I want to walk a maze when I am frustrated?  (Hint:  It isn’t a maze but a single path that you can’t stray from.)  Sometimes I get attitude of disregard because all this mindfulness talk is too “airy fairy” for some folks.  It is important to know that whatever you think the labyrinth can be it will be.  Dating back to the times of the Druids, the labyrinth represents a journey complete.  When we are struggling, is that what we want – a completed journey?

So, the next time you “forget”, find a labyrinth (www.labyrinthlocator.com) and walk with mindfulness.  Walk slowly and reflectively. Don’t try to ignore your distractions because they will only become bigger.  Acknowledge your distractions and choose to let them go for now.  Don’t rush. Take deep, slow breaths.  Breath in for a count of five and exhale for a count of five.  Imagine you are breathing in peace and exhaling stress and anxiety.  Calm your body and brain as you walk and remember – you can. 

There are labyrinths all around us.  I can’t help myself.  Wherever I go, I am on the hunt for these beautiful opportunities to remember myself.  They can be ornate or simple.  They are like us – organic.  Some are quite large and intricate while others are remarkably simple.  This photograph is me walking the labyrinth in Ogunquit, Maine.  If you are looking for greater mindfulness and need guidance, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or at Elliott@insightbrookline.com.

We are all leaders – in our own way.   Whether we are at work, with our friends or family or in a social organization, we are all leaders.  We may not be the stand in the front of the room and yell a rallying cry kind of leader, but we all influence others and leave an impact on those around us.  What kind of leader are you?

When patients come to see me about how to be  assertive in their lives, we often talk about their leadership skills.  I want to know how they come to influence others, what is most important to them? Leaders usually have a particular focus on how they see the world.  Understanding that focus often sharpens one’s awareness allows them to tap deeper into the well of leadership and assertiveness.  Let’s look at the options:

Rule -driven leadership:

Rule-driven leadership is about ensuring that you and others adhere to the stated or assumed rules of behavior.  When you find yourself looking at whether something is right or wrong, legal or illegal, you are utilizing rule-driven leadership.  It is about ensuring the playbook is followed.  After all, don’t we all have to follow the same rules?

Mission-driven leadership:

Mission-driven leadership is about goal attainment, usually at any cost. Get it done! Take the hill! Compete!  Sometimes we have to take those rules and throw them away so that we can win! Mission-driven leaders are the ones that are so focused on the goal and accomplishing it that they operate from a “it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission” mentality. 

Culture-driven leadership:

Culture-driven leadership is based on how we do things around here.  These are the leaders that are focused more on the community of the people and tapping into the sense of togetherness in order to see movement. We may not move as fast as the mission-driven folks, but at least we will ensure that everyone makes it to the finish line! When you hear people talking about that
is always the way we do it or looking to set rituals and traditions, they are culture-driven leaders.

All the leadership types can be successful.  One is not better than the other once you learn how to use those skills effectively. Some people can be a hybrid and combine skills based on the situation.  Whatever type of leader you are…be the best leader you can be!

If you are looking for personal development and want help creating a stronger personal voice, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through  this webpage.

Yesterday I put my own advice into action.  I invited a colleague to join me to walk the labyrinth.  Really, this is something I should be doing more of as it is an amazing path to mindfulness.  When I work folks, we often include some form of meditation, mindfulness or centering to help manage anxiety, fear, stress, discord and just general feeling blah.  There are many people who love meditation and find it to be an important part of their mental health. There are just as many who, try as they might, can seem to quiet their minds and bodies to be still.  I am one of the latter.  Quiet still meditation is hard for me -- I can do it from time to time but it seems to take a great effort to get there.  I do it when ever I can.  However, when time is precious or being still just seems in possible, I try a moving meditation -- like walking a labyrinth. 

For the uninitiated, a labyrinth is a centuries old pattern on the ground that was used in spiritual and meditative practices.  They come in different sizes and patterns.  Essentially, they are circles with winding paths to the center.  Some of have a separate path from the center out again, some retrace the same path.  The pattern represents the longest path to the center.  There are many twist, turns, and returns.  To walk the labyrinth, you are to walk it slowly and mindfully.  Be quiet and cast your eyes about four to six feet on the ground in front of you.  Just follow your path.  If someone is coming toward you, or you need to pass someone, just step to the side quietly and continue with your journey.

So, back to yesterday.  My colleague agreed to join me and we started walking the labyrinth about 30 second apart.  I went first.  Here are the lessons from the labyrinth:

1.  Sometimes we can figure out the path before we begin it.
Starting the labyrinth, you can a basic sense of the pattern and understand where you want to end up, but you really don't know how you will get there.  There are so many U-turns and back roads that just when you think you have the pattern, it changes.  Isn't this much like our lives?  We know where we want to end up and we think we know the road until life gives us a U-turn.  Keeping on our road will get us to our destination, even if we have to backtrack a little.

2.  Boundaries are there for a reason.
There are times when you are on the path that is closest to the center, but if you respect the boundaries, you cannot just step over to the goal.  You must continue the journey, which may (and in most labyrinths will) take you further from the center before you are granted access to it.  Having patience, even when the goal seems so close will give us greater strength and insight if we follow the right path.

3.  So close yet so far.
Being 30 seconds apart was an interesting experience.  There were moments that my colleague seemed to be directly behind me.  Instantly he was in front of me and we passed shoulder to shoulder.  Seconds later, I was on the opposite side of the labyrinth and he seemed so distant.  It was so indicative of much of the relationship work I do in my office.  How many couples have described their relationship in the same way.  "We had a such a great time and now s/he feels so distant...I don't know why".  Sometimes, it is because we have to follow our own path.  Being able to understand the path and the journey will -- just as in the labyrinth -- have you passing together again.

4.  Don't rush!
For those that know me personally, you know that this is hard advice for me -- I am always on the go!  Walking the labyrinth reminded me that slowing down, doing less is sometimes doing more.  I was able to walk the labyrinth with a quiet mind and felt free from stresses and anxieties of daily living.  I even solved a few minor problems along the way!

Find a labyrinth near you!  They are everywhere!  If you don't know where to find one visit www.labyrinthlocator.com.  If you would like to work on your mindfulness, anxiety and relationships, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.

When I work with couples, one of the earliest things we do is look at how we communicate.  We begin with the basics of starting to look at our words and tone so that we can hear and understand each other. As we get deeper into our process we begin to look at something far more challenging, and potentially more destructive than our words.  We begin to look at our assumptions.

All too often, it is the assumptions in a marriage that cause the greatest hurts and divides between two people.  Assumptions about a lot of things.  Assumptions about our partner's feelings.  Assumptions about our partner's motivations and intentions.  Assumptions about our partner's understandings. And, most damaging of all, assumptions of our partner's assumptions about our experience and take on a situation. 

People I work with can often get frustrated when I challenge them by asking them if what they are talking about is fact or assumption.  I mean, after all, if you have believed something for years and used that as your primary lens and modus operandi, wouldn't you be unsettled if you were asked to consider a whole new truth?   We get in the habit of checking truths before we move on.  So, we now have to ask...what is the truth?

This is a much more complex question than I can answer here, but suffice to say, the truth is whatever one person identifies as their own experience.  The assumptions and truths we are discussing are not about science or the color of the sky...it is about experience.  I experience pain, but you assume I am experiencing anger.  You experience loneliness and I assume you are experiencing jealousy. 

Being able to open the lines of communications in a relationship often takes a neutral third party who can help hold a lens and translate for a couple.  This does not mean the couple is in dire straights...it is about learning to communicate in new and more effective ways.

If you are in a relationship that is full of assumptions...and want those assumptions to leave your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this website.

Building a house, changing a career, making a plan – all of these require a certain focus and approach in order to be successful. 
It is also critical to remember that these shifts and changes don’t happen in moment nor do they rely on just one factor.   It is often most challenging to make real lasting change when there isn’t a plan and strategy to support the growth.  So many people will attempt change and then give up when the results are not immediately gratifying.

The failed approach to change is often something like this:  “I want a change. I am afraid of a change (or don’t know how to do it).  I am going to gain strength to make a change. I make a change.  ‘See…I told you so!’”  Now, while I applaud the effort and the focus, I also acknowledge that there are some critical stages missing from this approach.  As I coach people through the planning and execution of change I tell them to follow the 5 C’s of lasting  change.

Consumer  – Who is the change designed to affect?  It is important to know who the stakeholders in the change process
are.  This can be yourself, your family, your relationship, your career.  
 
Conceive – What is the goal?  One of the most important parts of making change is being able to define what success would look like. How will you identify positive improvement when you see it?

Configure – What resources and energy do you need?  Too often, we conceive of a great idea and just start doing it.  It is
important to slow down, ensure that we have all of our resources, support from key stakeholders, information, etc. We are more apt to find success when we have better equipped ourselves for the change.

Construct – Make a change!  Go ahead and do it!  Don’t try to change everything at once.   Take the first step.  Remember that real and lasting change is done over time.  Dramatic shifts are harder to bear and less likely to stick!

Continuous Improvement  – Reevaluate!  It is time to take stock in what has happened. How has the change brought you closer to the goal? Think of this as waterfall development.  Start with Change 1.0 and then move onto Change 1.1, Change 1.2, etc. This requires that you go back up to the top and check in with your  consumers for clarity, revisioning and additional support.
Conceive of the next level of change, Configure…..you get it!

If you are facing a great deal of change and want to talk about how to better manage it, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at this website or by calling 617-834-4235