Today the United States Supreme Court handed down a ruling that stated that marriage is no longer permitted to be solely between one man and one woman in this country.  When the news hit the wires, I was in that rare moment between clients when I get to see what is actually happening in the outside world beyond the safe confines of my room.  My browser exploded with messages from friends, family and colleagues about their reactions to this moment.

For a brief moment I was overjoyed and the celebratory at all the opportunity that so many would be able to avail themselves of.  I thought of all the work and diligence that so many committed themselves to in the journey to equality.  And then, reality set in.  In my waiting room, was my next appointment.   

My next appointment was a 52 year old man that I have seen for more than two years.  When he first came to me, he had suicidal ideation, addiction and no desire to continue living.  We have made amazing advancements in his care and wellbeing.  The root of his psychiatric challenge has formed in his absolute shame and guilt for identifying as a gay man.  When he entered my office this afternoon, I asked him if he had seen the news.  He hadn’t.  I was excited to tell him that being gay and in a loving relationship was being recognized across this nation.  His reaction was grounding. 

He looked at me and asked what any of that had to do with him.  He still couldn’t understand why he was gay and how anyone could ever love him.    It was a sobering moment.  Our work as practitioners allows us to experience the amazing moments in our clients’ lives.  We see grow, understanding and acceptance.  And, in moments like this, they teach us.   

While I will continue to celebrate this landmark decision and be ever grateful for the shoulders of others that families like mine get to stand on, I will not forget the rest of the work that is still to be done.  Just because people can legally marry, does not prepare people for the complex journey they can now take.  Our work will continue to focus on helping others learn to love themselves, be able to love others and accept love – this is the continuing work in mind, head, body and spirit.   If you are struggling with your sexual identity or what marriage means in your life, contact Elliott at Elliott@insightbrookline.com or 617-834-4235.

When I start working with a new couple or individual around relationship concerns I often begin by asking them what their relationship goals are.  Most, but not all, will tell me that they are just looking for a nice, loving, monogamous relationship.  They say that like I am supposed to know what that means -- and I don't.  Not that I am clueless, but rather because I know that there is more than one meaning to the word monogamous.  

Monogamy is like the color yellow.  I can prove it.  Right now, I want you think of the color yellow.  What shade is it?  Goldenrod? Egg yolk? Sunflower? Maize?  I know that when I say the color yellow, everyone reading this is thinking of a different shade.  Even if the shades are only slightly different...they are different.  So it goes with monogamy. 

Early in my work with folks that want a monogamous relationship, I spend a lot of time trying to understand what does it mean to them.  An example of when this becomes an important exercise is when one partner partakes in pornography for personal sexual gratification and the other partner disapproves, is resentful or feels disconnected because of it.  The partner will say something along the lines of "It is coming between us...It is ruining our sex life...you have all your sex with your porn!"  For this partner, the behaviour can often have the same affect as if their partner had an affair.  The partaker will often say to me "I haven't cheated...I didn't have sex with anyone else!  What is the problem?"  

Monogamy is based on more aspects than who you can or cannot have sex with.  There are elements of trust, intimacy, social engagement, non-sexual physical touch, and more.  Creating open communications to discuss all of the important elements of trust/sexuality, physical and not, will allow couples have more meaningful, connected relationships based on accurate expectations and the ability to weather behaviours that are challenging. 

If you are dealing with relationship challenges and/or are trying to negotiate the sexual boundaries in your relationship, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or by email at ekronenfeld@yahoo.com

You can’t dig your way out of a hole.  Think about it.  You are in a hole and you keep digging.  What happens? Eventually, the hole gets so deep that you can’t throw the dirt out of the hole anymore and it just keeps falling back down around you.  If  you start to dig sideways, the integrity of the walls weakens and risks falling in around you.  What should you do?  
 
Put the shovel down. 

Think.  Do something different!  If you want to get out of the hole, you can try to climb assuming the walls are solid enough with
enough toe and finger holds to support you.  But if not, how do you get out of the hole?  You ask for help.  You need a lifeline.  
 
The same is true for your relationships. When you find yourself at that point in a disagreement or situation when you feel like the walls are caving in, that is probably exactly what is happening.  How do you know you are in a relationship hole? You are in
a hole when you feel the anxiety and frustration rising and have a competitive need to prove your point. The more you advocate for the other person to come to your side and you see them becoming more rigid, you are in a hole. When you are having an argument that isn’t coming to resolution, or just feeling like no matter what you are doing isn’t working, do something different. Stop.  Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to get the other person to understand your point of view. 
Just stop.  Now breathe. Breathe again.  Now think.  What can you do differently?

If you have been talking, trying to explain yourself, trying to tell the other person why the problem exists (and why it is their fault), try doing something different.  Ask instead of tell.  Be curious.  If your energies aren’t bringing you success, why not? What else do you need to know about or from the other person?  Start again from their perspective and see if you can find a way to start making some progress.  

Okay, back to the hole. What is one of the easiest way’s out of the hole?  Start filling it in again. Have the person outside the hole send you some of the soil (aka information and perspective!) so that you can stand on it until you can reach the rim and pull yourself out. 

If you are struggling with having successful communications in  your relationships, contact Elliott at 617-834-4235 or through this
website.  
 


 

Do you remember being a child and jumping into the deep end of the pool for the first time?  You were probably not sure what would happen, whether you would sink or swim.   Could you be brave enough to take the leap, even though you weren’t sure  it was the right thing for you to do?  For many, first jumps are to be celebrated…a perfect cannonball, a quick  resurface and a dog paddle to the edge to try it again.  However, there are those that jump in and sink a little too low, take in  water, feel pressure and the fear of not being able to breathe. The latter is  what it feels like when you are in a life situation where you are confused, feel  internally trapped and needing escape.

 I have built a strong practice on helping couples cope and  process through when one or both partners begins to identify as gay, lesbian,  bisexual or transgendered (GLBT).   The impact of such a realization cannot be underestimated.  Both partners will go through a myriad of emotions, not limited to grief, sorrow, anger, rage, embarrassment, fear, depression, hope, liberation, and a  re-identification of oneself. 

For the person coming out, she or he may or may  not have had an understanding of their sexual identity all long.   Some people only begin to realize a changing sexual identity later in  life.  Many of these clients are concerned that they have lived a lie, or that others will think they have lied  to them.  There are concerns about  how to live a more authentic life and to bring fulfillment to themselves without  causing additional negative feelings to the people they love.   We spend countless hours talking about how to balance their own emerging needs with the consistent and new needs of their families – and how their family structure can and will change.  If children of any age are involved, discussions about how to maintain the parenting role while being honest with children who will undoubtedly have very personal questions will happen.
 
For the spouse of the person coming out, it is important to talk through the meaning of this new information. It is often so hard to realize that many seemingly good marriages may end as a result of a partner coming out and there  is nothing
another can do to “convince”a partner that it doesn’t matter.  Left spouses often feel deserted,  betrayed, a sense of failure and true loss.  Helping a left spouse work through the  complications of a crisis of identity and reemerge strong, vibrant and able to have a meaningful relationship will take time, but is certainly possible. 

We live a new and different world than we did  just five years ago.  What it means  to be GLBT in today’s world has different
implications.  One’s sexual identity is not a reflection on anyone but the  individual.  Being in a  relationship with someone who comes out does not reflect on your orientation or ability to be an effective and meaningful relationship partner.  Obviously, each relationship and situation must be understood with its  own unique facts and personalities; however, each relationship has the ability to transform and bring meaning to all.

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

Everyone wants to be a winner! Everyone likes to be right…right? Unfortunately, these two things aren’t the same thing and don’t always go together. Do you ever find yourself in an argument with your partner or friend and you are pushing to make sure they see your point and understand why you are right and they are wrong? Tempers and decibels start to rise and you are left
confused on how you ended up sleeping on the couch.

Here is the challenge: can you win and not be right? Yes! But, it requires you to change your definition of what it means to win. Being right means that you are being accurate. It is about finding a fact or truth that isn’t disputable. If the issue is subjective, it is impossible to accurately be right if others are allowed to have their opinion.  Issues that are subjective are irrefutable.  There has to be space for everyone’s unique thoughts and opinions.


In many situations, accuracy isn’t important. Being right can leave you isolated. If you define winning as getting the outcome you want at end rather than in the moment, being right is secondary. For example, if you want to have a relationship with harmony, you don’t have to be right on every topic. Does it really matter if the newly painted bathroom wall color is aqua or teal? What do
you gain by correcting your spouse in front of others?

This doesn’t mean that you have to or should just roll over in every discussion. It is about being able to determine which issues are worth being assertive (not aggressive) because your opinion or thought can influence the outcome of a decision. Learning how to present your thoughts to your partner so that you leave enough room for others to have a difference of opinion,
experience or plan helps you win. Being able to look beyond the discussion at hand to what the resolution could look like will guide how to move forward.

 Let’s look at a simplified example:

 Partner A: “I want to hang out with my friends Friday night.”

Partner B: “I haven’t seen you all week! I thought we were having date night Friday night! (thinking – Don’t you care about our
relationship?)”

Partner A: “I work hard all week, I get to see you every day! I just want to hang with my friends for a few hours. I don’t see why you see that is such a problem. (thinking – Stop controlling me!)”

Partner B: walks off sulking.

In reality, there are two different conversations going on in this example. Partner A wants to reconnect with friends and simply wants Partner B to say “I understand hanging with your friends is important and you are feeling disconnected from them after working overtime this week.” Partner B just wants Partner A to say “I really value our relationship and want to spend time with you.” Can these two seemingly counter desires co-exist? Yes!

Let’s go through the example again:

Partner A: “My friends asked me to hang out Friday night. I really want to see them. Can we talk about how to make that happen?”

Partner B: “I was really hoping and expecting that we would spend Friday night together. We really haven’t had any quality time this week.”

Partner A: “I want that too. Can we talk about how to do both?”

Obviously, it usually isn’t this simple and easy but being able to look how to get to winning over being right and justified is what works to bring relationships together. Learning to talk with your partner to get to a mutual win takes new skill and knowledge.  When learning new skills, it often feels weird, uncomfortable and embarrassing.  But like all new skills, if you
stick with it, practice brings new ability. 

If you would like to learn more about this topic, contact Elliott Kronenfeld at 617-834-4235 or email him through this site.

In my practice I meet with many folks who discuss their frustration with partners, co-workers, children and friends because they are being quite clear in their communication and the other person has a completely inappropriate response.  I hear things like “I was quite clear when I said….” and “He knows exactly what I meant!”  In return, these folks get angry and say things like “Well, what he said was…” and “She actually used those words!” 

It is completely understandable that relationships, no matter how strong, can be challenged by basic communication.  This is because basic communication is anything but basic.  As children we are taught vocabulary.  We are never taught how to communicate.  In school, we are given vocabulary tests, not communication quizzes.   We have to learn how to take the ever increasing list of vocabulary words we know to string them together to make concepts and thoughts so that others can understand what is going on in our heads.  We learn this by watching our families and how they communicate, hanging out with our friends and what patterns we can see through television and other media, but it is all inferred rather that taught.  We are then set out on the world to be great communicators.  If someone has a poor vocabulary, they are deemed to be poor communicators and judgments are made about their intelligence or mental acuity.  If someone’s vocabulary is too developed, they are deemed to be stuffy or haughty.  So what is right? 

Being a good communicator is more than just managing a satisfactory vocabulary.  Communication is a hard strategic skill that is the basis for all successful relationships.  This is a skill that takes enormous focus, practice and guidance.  To be a successful communicator, you have to be able to look beyond the actual words that are being spoken and find the intent of the message your partner is trying to tell you.  (“I know he said “ABC” but what was he really trying to tell you?”)  Being able to decipher the real message is a challenging and time consuming process.  However, it is easier and faster to try to get to the real message than to try to recover from a bad argument! This can be done by speaking from the “I” perspective and being curious about your partner.   Only speaking from your own experience, understanding, and perspective brings its own unique hardships because you must forgo any judgments about your partner.  Let’s face it…once you say to your partner “You are so close minded!” what reactions can your partner have?  “AM NOT!” or “So are you!”  it instantly puts your partner on the defensive.  How does anyone win after that? To engage your partner, use the greatest relationship gift…curiosity.  Be curious about your partner.  Ask questions.  (Don’t interrogate or interview!)  Wonder about his or her experience and thoughts.  Using curiosity is a difficult skill to master because it requires you to put your partner at ease so he or she can feel safe opening up and talking about what real issues may be lurking underneath. 

So many people try to figure out why men and women are so different (and why are we so alike in so many ways!) Gender science looks at how men and women develop, communicate and relate. Understanding what it means in practical reality can be confusing!

Let’s open with a caveat to avoid stereotypes. Not all men and women are the same. But looking at traits that are generally associated with men and women allow us to understand why some couples might have difficulties in understanding and communicating with each other. Okay, with that understanding, let’s assume that there is a continuum that runs from testosterone dominance (classic male behavior) to estrogen dominance (classic female behavior):

                                        Testosterone Dominant <—————————————> Estrogen Dominant

Everyone is somewhere along the continuum. Let’s even presume that most males are more on the testosterone dominant side and most women are on the estrogen dominant side. However men can be estrogen dominant and women can be testosterone dominant. This can affect the style, not the capacity, of partners as they try to communicate and relate. The role of communication is different based on where on the continuum one is.

Estrogen dominant people get high talking about feelings. They talk to connect. It is a way to build a bridge to another person and gratification is sought through participation in processing verbally and nonverbally. Sometimes these folks will talk to talk because there is silence and the lack of active connection can be uncomfortable. Intimacy is achieved through participation. You are paying attention to me and I am paying attention to you. We are engaging.

Testosterone dominant individuals must connect to talk. Simply being in the same space or watching a television show together quietly can be a form of intimacy. Talking is a purposeful activity and when that purpose is achieved, there is no more reason to speak. That doesn’t mean that a lack of interest or lack of intimacy is present. Intimacy is achieved through proximity. We are here together, sharing our time and space.

So what does this mean for couples? I often sit with couples who will talk about communication problems because one partner wants to talk and process while the other seems disinterested or doesn’t have anything to say. Couples begin see communication in general break down because one partner closes off completely and the other partner “chases” for connection. They begin to criticize each other and feel put upon or they begin to feel that they can’t be good enough to meet their partner’s demands. It is important to remember that behind every criticism is a desire. He is so closed off! (I want him to talk to me!)  She nags me all the time! (I just want to have a quiet night at home and relax with my partner!)

This often extends to how couples try to make things better. Estrogen dominant partners want to discuss and apologize. The participation is what makes the healing happen. Testosterone dominant partners want a change in behavior – the ability to rewind and do it better (without having to rehash and discuss the problem). As you can imagine, moving forward can be quite challenging!

Couples that are able to strengthen their relationships often tie into these ideas and gain greater insight into their partner’s communication style. Estrogen dominant partners begin to see participation through activity as well as verbal communication; nonverbal emotion becomes as important as stated emotion. Testosterone dominant partners begin to understand the importance of eye contact and more expressed communication. Understanding communication styles and being able to internalize the message that each partner is giving is a real challenge. It takes time, trust and real commitment.

If you are a gay man, woman or couple who is considering adding children to your life, this is an exciting time!  There are more and more examples of  gay men and women who are becoming parents through methods other than through  previous heterosexual relationships.  How to achieve this dream, can be  overwhelming without a lot of information and forethought.
 
There are several decisions to be made as you begin your process to  parenthood.  Here is a list of some, but not all, of the topics to be  discussed:

1. How out are you?  Do you feel comfortable with everyone knowing that  you are GLBTQQI?  The truth of the matter is that being a gay parent  requires that you find a sense of normalcy within your family/community.  Children will talk about their family and home.  Descretion is a learned  skill!  When you can normalize your sexual orientation and relationship,  you children will take your lead.  If you are uncomfortable with people knowing that you are not heterosexual, your children will internalize your concerns.
2. How will your social supports change?  Do you know lots of people with children or are you the first in your social circle to bring children into your  life?  Many first time parents are shocked when some social friends are not as welcoming of children as others.  Can you imagine yourself making new  friends in the tot lot?  Who do you think they will be?  What will that mean to you?
3. What is the role of biology?  Are you considering using your own biology (surrogacy, IVF, insemination, etc) or are you planning for  adoption?  What does it mean when one partner is genetically linked to a child but the other partner isn’t?  Will you need a sperm or egg  donor?  How will you choose?  If you choose adoption, what is the role your child’s birth family?  Understanding the difference between biological  parent and Mother/Father is an important distinction.
4. How will you manage your financial planning.  As openly gay parents to be, the cost of bringing a child into your life can range from a few hundred dollars to well over $100,000.  What process works best for you, and how you pay for it, needs to be considered as you decide to move forward.  Each process has its own benefits and challenges.  Make sure you understand the what is required and how much each step costs!
5. What legal protections will you need?  Based on where you live, your marital status and the biological root of your child will determine what legal processes you will need to preserve the appropriate protections for every member of your family.

There are many more considerations to ponder.  Be sure to talk to a specialist who understands the route to building a gay/lesbian/trans family.  Regardless of what route is best for you, be sure to think long term (What impact will these early decisions have on my child/family years from now?  What does my family look like when it is complete?) and keep as many
options on the table for as long as you can — you never know what the future brings!

As small children we role play as adults. We are explorers, teachers, doctors,  police officers, presidents. Most often we are mommies and daddies. Children are  socialized from the earliest moments to aspire to be like their parents and have  children of their own. Occasionally, as children grow up to adults, they decide  that they don’t want children, and that is a fine decision. However, for those  that want children and have difficulty having them, it is a devastating reality. 

This reality forces us to redefine our sense of self…our very identity. In turn, this can produce a sense of loss – mourning the future that we thought was ours.  While there may still be options, the story book ideal of the magical pregnancy, created and shared in love is shattered as medical professionals, family and  friends begin to weigh in and discuss the most intimate aspects of your life.

 No two people ever experience infertility the same the way. This is an extremely personal journey. Often, those living with infertility feel like the only person on the planet and that no one would understand, even those closest  to them. If you (and your partner) are living with infertility for any reason, the first step is to have a full medical work up by a fertility specialist. It is also extremely important to ensure that you have adequate emotional supports which may include a therapist who specializes in fertility issues.

Infertility can have many root causes such as medical diagnosis/treatment, loss of reproductive organs, unexplained infertility, multiple losses or simply due  to increased age. Often, a couple will be able to have an easy and successful  pregnancy and then struggle with secondary infertility (difficulty conceiving a  second or subsequent pregnancy). This can be particularly frustrating and  upsetting if the first pregnancy was so easy. Wanting to grow your family and  struggling to do so can pull focus from the rest of your life. If you are not  careful, you can become stagnated and begin struggle as you try to move  forward.

 Living with infertility can become isolating if not managed. Are you having difficulty attending baby showers or celebrations of others’ growing  families? Do you feel increased resentment or guilt? Do you find yourself  pulling away? It can be so difficult for others to understand that your sadness  is not in relationship to the happiness you feel for them, even though it may be
difficult for you to share it.

 Infertility can also cause marital woe. It is  important to remember that infertility does not happen to an individual person,
it happens to a couple. Often, one partner may feel guilty or can feel blamed.  It is important to be able to remain a unified team and to understand the root causes and possible solutions to your family building. Infertility can also  be a result of other medical conditions. In many situations, there is an option  of preserving your fertility before undergoing medical treatment. It is  important to ask your medical care team if your fertility is at risk and what options are available to you prior to treatment. There are many solutions to infertility, including ones that you may not have thought about yet. Keep hope.  Seek resources. Take good care of yourself!