Elliott Kronenfeld, LICSW
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Parenting through divorce

8/8/2013

2 Comments

 
Divorce is never easy on anyone.  When you have children, it is even more  complex.  How you make decisions  to navigate the divorce process and ensure your children are as insulated as  possible will take special insight and a tremendous amount of personal  resiliency. 

Children are thrown for a loop when they realize their current  living situation is changing.  If  the marriage has been contentious, there may be feelings of relief for children  that the fighting will start to lessen. If the separation is amicable, confusion may be the emotion children are  experiencing – If you get along, why  aren’t you staying married?  In  any case, helping children navigate through the myriad of emotions, changes and  challenges – while you are trying to cope with your own – is often the most  difficult of all phases of separation and  divorce.

It is often helpful to have some simple rules for how to navigate  the minefield that is experienced by parents during this time. 
 
Rule 1:   Love your children more than you are angry at your ex.  Going through divorce will inevitably leave you with a swirling ocean of emotions.  If you are not careful, you will be driven by your anger, sadness, bitterness or fear from the proceedings and changes that result from the separation.  Remember that you love your children and want to prioritize them and their well-being -- which should take inform how you respond to the difficulties with your ex.


Rule 2.  The divorce is for you…everything else is for the  children.   During this time of change, remember that you and
your spouse are  making decisions (and have been making decisions for quite a while) that led to  the divorce.  Whether you want the  divorce or not, the children have no say in what is happening. So, while you manage the divorce process so that it is the best it can be for you, remember to focus the rest of your attention on the emotional and  physical needs of your children.  These needs may be very different than what you are normally used to, so  be on the lookout for changes and needs that are
new.  This also means that the children should not be party to discussion regarding why the separation is happening, the status of divorce or assets or other adult conversations.  If children ask, remind them that those conversations are between the adults and you will share with them information that is pertinent for them.

Rule  3:   The children need to have a relationship with both parents.  No matter what you think about your soon to be ex-partner, your children need to have a meaningful and connected  relationship to him/her.    Just as your children are a part  of you, they are a part of our ex-partner.  Children internalize their parents’  personas as their own.  If they  hear/think that their parent is a negative person, then on some level they must  be a negative person as well.   Being able to create a schedule of visitation and care (assuming there is  no documented risk/threat) for both parents will be most meaningful for the
children.  This also means that you  shouldn’t be bad mouthing the other parent or allowing friends/family to bad  mouth the other parent when the children are physically in your location.  Remember, even if children are not in  the room – they have radar ears!!

Rule 4:   Don’t overstep.  When  the parenting schedule is decided, adhere to it.  Children need structure on a good  day…it becomes critical during times of change and upheaval.   When the children are with you, it is your time to parent them.  When the children are with your ex, it  is his/her time to parent them.  Don't overstep into their parenting time.  If the children call or try to reach  out to you during the time they are away, remind them that it is their time with  their other parent.  If you feel  the need, ask to speak with the other parent (as calmly as possible!!) to help  resolve any issue.  Don’t offer to  race over to pick up the children or tell them they can come home until you have spoken to the other parent.  (Remember, you wouldn’t want that done to  you, and the children need to have a relationship with both parents!)

Rule 5:   Model! While no divorce  is a happy event, it is a good opportunity for you to model for your children  how to act with dignity, grace and self-respect in the face of hardship.  While what you say is important, how  you act is what your children will remember.  If you are angry, sad or ambivalent, it is okay to express these emotions in front of your children as long as you
are  not over emoting.  If your children are starting to feel responsible for your feelings or feel they have to side  with one parent
over the other, they are the ones being injured. Show them that  you can have strong feelings about what is happening, but can still be a mature adult, who is in control of themself and act with dignity.  
 
If you are facing any of these challenges and need additional  support or guidance, contact Elliott through this webpage
or by telephone at  617-834-4235.
2 Comments
Oline shopping link
2/9/2014 06:36:28 pm

Thanks for info.

Reply
mensnet.ca link
2/18/2014 03:58:18 pm

This is such a great and useful post that is helping the parents to decide the safest way that will never irritate the children and do not play with the emotions and the life of the children because they always love their both parents. it is such a nice advice and I appreciate your willingness to guide the people by writing this post.

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    Elliott Kronenfeld, LICSW is a Brookline based therapist specializing in individual and couples therapy with specialities in life transitions, sex, fertility and family formation, GLBT, men's issues and relationship intimacy

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